Mind, Body and Soul Manifestations

It has been almost 2 years since I last wrote a blog. There are a few reasons for it, but mainly it's because I've been trying so hard to keep to myself and not overload others with my incessant rambling and feelings of struggle. Well, that's not doing me any good. Even therapy and journaling on paper aren't really cutting it. In person, I am trying so hard not to be the "Debbie Downer" that I feel like my insides are going to burst out of my chest. This is not to say that my life isn't great. I am incredibly fortunate to be an employed white female in America with a husband I love, one crazy (yet amazing) daughter, the most laid-back dog you'll ever meet, and our dream home complete with a pool! So, what is my damn problem and why can't I just get the F over it?! I ask myself this daily... A major part of my struggle lies in not being able to give my daughter a sibling yet. You see, I am reaching that dreaded age of 36. Many people would have ...

So, I am sitting here in tears and I don't know how to deal with my flood of emotions other than to write. I don't know if any of it will make sense, but I have to get it out. I have been thinking a lot about Nelson Mandela, apartheid, leadership, and how to make this world a better place. Mandela said "If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner." I have been trying to make sense of this. I feel incredibly fortunate to have known someone who lived through apartheid as a child in Pretoria, South Africa. When I was a camp counselor in college, we had multiple coworkers from a variety of countries around the world. Hoops made a massive impact on me as a 20-something white chick from the suburbs. Her unique perspective about growing up in a place where diversity was not accepted and she had to move from place to place in secret with her Mom opened my eyes to how much hate can hurt. Even though it had been ma...

I am having a little conflict with myself lately. I am still 15 lbs away from what I weighed prior to having baby Aurora and this is frustrating me. However, if I am being completely honest with myself, I am not really doing anything about it. I am coming to the realization that I HATE summer. I don't hate being off work and I don't hate spending a lot of time with my daughter, but I HATE the heat and humidity. If I had the choice of going outside for a walk up and down the hills in my neighborhood while pushing the stroller or putting my hand in the oven for 30 seconds, I think I'd choose the latter. I am in a constant state of second-guessing myself. Do I put my 9 month old in the stroller slathered with sunscreen, in a hat that she hates and let her sweat it out so that I can get in some exercise or do we just stay inside and play? Staying inside and playing has most definitely been winning lately. We have been to the pool a few times, but this is not quite an aerobic ...

Our last day of school for the year was on Friday, but I am currently participating in three days of curriculum writing at the Board of Ed. While this may sound rather monotonous, it's actually been nice to work with my colleagues and compare ideas and methodologies. We don't get to do that often enough. It's also been great getting to share our happy stories about our kids and families. I haven't written a ton of happy blog entries this year, but I feel like I have to share how much I adore my little one. I am ecstatic that on Thursday, we get to spend approximately 80 days together uninterrupted by work! While I feel like the school year took a lifetime to end, I am so happy that I finally get to have quality time with my peanut over the next few months. This is the longest summer break I think I have had since I started teaching 11 years ago. It's even more time off than I got for my maternity leave! I am counting my blessings for that one and thanking Mr. Larr...

My soul is hurting today. I woke up this morning stressed about trying to get my hundreds of students to stay focused in the midst of PARCC testing and 5 days left of school; however, when I got in my car and turned on my radio, I learned about LeBron James' home getting spray painted with the n-word, a noose being found at the Smithsonian African-American History Museum, and the United States making another move against science and improving the environment. I feel a bit like a deflated balloon. Not one that got popped, just one that had a slow leak and is finally starting to crumple onto itself. Last week, I had a terrible Friday. I had posted a funny video about teaching and feeling worn out and someone took it upon themselves to tell me that it "screamed school choice" and "no one wants to listen to folks whining about their work when they have every summer off, every weekend, every holiday, etc. Try doing it all year, 24/7, 365 and give the rest of us a call....

I have had a million and one thoughts racing through my head over the past 24 hours. I learned yesterday that a former student of mine committed suicide on Thursday. His birthday would've been today. I can't even begin to imagine what his family is going through and I am seeing my other former students, his friends, processing this whole awful situation. It has got me reflecting on how we got to this point. This is the second teen that I've known this year that has taken his own life. That is two too many. I never want my students, my friend's children or my own daughter to feel so helpless that they think ending their existence is the only way out. I originally became a teacher because I wanted to help students and make a difference in the world. I am beginning to notice more and more that we are so focused on data, statistics and results that we neglect the mental and emotional well-being of our students. They are bombarded daily with social media, instant access ...

So I am feeling a bit like a crazy person this week. I have so many thoughts running through my brain constantly and I seem unable to sort them all out. This post may be a bit all over the place. I apologize in advance. The main thing weighing on me is finding childcare for my daughter. In general, I absolutely hate feeling like I am burdening others with my existence or my problems. I know that my family members enjoy taking care of the baby, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking advantage of them. However, I am completely terrified to leave my daughter in the care of someone that I don't know. We are currently researching two potential daycare facilities for her, but my anxiety is at an all-time high about it. My stomach is in knots and it did not help that I read about a daycare in our county that had two children (ages 2 and 3 respectively) escape - for lack of a better word. They were found wandering down a street close by the daycare. This, of course, sparked a ...

Look back over the course of this blog, it seems that I write a lot when things are hard for me. I know that may not always be the happiest thing for people to read, but I process what I'm feeling much better through writing. I used to seek solace in drawing or artwork, but the past few years of my life, writing seems to satisfy my soul a bit more. Today, I learned that a friend lost her teenage son. While I have absolutely no idea what the circumstances were, my heart just breaks for her and her family. My earliest memory of experiencing death was when two classmates of mine were killed in a car accident in high school. I have never understood why young lives are yanked away so quickly or in such horrific manners. I remember being angry and sad and confused that God could let something like this happen. The same feelings arose again later in my life when a close friend's sister was also killed in a car accident. Part of me still feels this way when I hear about someone losin...

Well, I am happy to report that I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl on Tuesday October 11th. It was a pretty scary day actually, but it had the best results! I wanted to share my story with you and express how absolutely amazing Anne Arundel Medical Center is! I went into labor while teaching classes on Tuesday (for those who don't know, I teach 6-8th grade art so it was an interesting experience - my students were pretty understanding, but I hope I didn't worry them too much!). Around 11am, my contractions began to be around 5-6 minutes apart consistently. I called my Doctor during my planning period to see if I should come in or continue working. She said she wanted me to wait until my contractions were 3 minutes apart for 2 hours. Since this was my first baby, I guess they weren't concerned with her coming early, but it made me nervous. My contractions continued to get worse and by 6th period, they were only a little over 2 minutes apart so I called my Dr back. The ...

I have had Salt n Pepa's "None of Your Business" stuck in my head since yesterday. In case you don't know what people say about opinions, they're like a$%holes. Everybody's got one. I have been trying to take people's unsolicited advice and opinions with a grain of salt, but I've got to be honest, I'm getting a bit sick of people feeling like just because I have a baby bump that they are free to discuss my choices about birthing, breastfeeding, and other personal topics even if they are complete strangers. I will say that it's one thing if I'm already discussing something and I've put it out there. I realize that opens me up for feedback (desired or not). However, when I am sitting at lunch trying to discuss Labor Day plans and someone interjects with "Are you planning to breastfeed? You should totally do XYZ." Umm...thanks, but no thanks. I don't recall asking for your opinion about what I will do with my breasts curren...

I have so many things on my mind and in my heart and I'm not sure what else to do but write them down. This week has been hard for all of us; at least I'd like to think that if you are a human being, you have been impacted or touched by the recent events in the news. We had a guest speaker for our sermon at church today and she discussed a passage from Luke chapter 9 in which Jesus gets a bit impatient with the people who want to follow him. She made some great points about how we need to stop being distracted by our past or our own personal issues and just commit to being a part of God's kingdom. In addition, she challenged us to DO something about the issues that we are experiencing as a society. Stand up for others whose voices are being drowned out and stop trying to make other people agree with your opinions without being open to seeing things from their perspective. We all need to love a little more, hate a lot less, and provide each other with support and understan...

I feel incredibly blessed to be carrying a baby girl right now; however, all of the news stories in the past week have me really struggling with what kind of world I am bringing her into. The most recent story of the shooting in Orlando just breaks my heart. I have always had a hard time processing how someone can hate another group of people so much simply for their religion, the color of their skin, their sexual preference, etc. It just seems that our world is becoming more and more hateful each day and that scares me. All I know is that I want  my girl to grow up feeling loved, being tolerant and accepting of others, and spreading positive energy. I want her to feel safe and to know that there is justice in the world...even when I can't quite see it myself. I never thought of myself as a feminist until I was in college and I read/saw/participated in the play The Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler. I was quite moved to be a part of this amazing movement about ending violence again...

So last night, I found myself wide awake at 1:30am with a million coaching-related thoughts running through my brain. I tried to breathe and shut it out, but it just didn't happen. I did what my Dad always told me helped him. I got up and wrote a "brain dump." I just wrote down everything that I was thinking about. I'm not sure that it made everything better, but it certainly calmed my stress and anxiety enough that I could go back to bed without tossing and turning every few minutes. Being a teacher and coach is a stressful position to be in, especially toward the end of the school year. Over the past week or so, I have found myself second-guessing a lot of my decisions. I don't like to be in that place mentally; however, I am also self-critical by nature on top of being a people-pleaser, so I find myself overthinking everything most of the time. It's a blessing and a curse. On one hand I think it makes me a better person and a better employee. I hold mysel...

Okay Moms of America, I have a serious question: How in the hell did you survive taking off for 12 weeks unpaid?? I appreciate that the FMLA helps me not to lose my job when I have a baby, but I think it is appalling that I am expected to be able to sustain my current lifestyle (by this, I mean paying my mortgage, electric bill, phone bill, and maybe the occasional dinner out) PLUS a baby without a paycheck for 12 weeks...or maybe 8 weeks if I use my 4 weeks of sick/personal leave that I have accrued/borrowed from the next year. I never put much thought into the family medical leave act prior to becoming pregnant, but now that this potential financial crisis is looming ahead of me, I am freaking out a little. I won't even get started on the fact that if I was a single Mom without a husband who has a job/income, I don't know how I'd be able to stay out of work more than a week without pay... If you are a Mom who had unpaid maternity leave, did you take a full 12 weeks? W...

A lot has happened since my last post. Most of you know by now that Ben and I are expecting our first child in October. I can't describe what an incredible blessing it is to finally have our dreams of becoming parents closer to being a reality. However; I also struggle daily with my nerves and anxiety. I can't explain the amount of relief I feel when the Dr. finds the heartbeat at our appointments (it's happened twice so far!). Being a women in general is such a roller coaster, but after having a miscarriage, I feel like being pregnant is even bumpier than my previous life. I think it's normal for all women to have a fear of the unknown: will it all work out, will the baby be healthy, even though I've made it through the first trimester should I still be worried...these are things that run through my brain daily. I also struggle with feeling guilty for sharing my "woes" about being sick or tired or feeling off when I still have friends who have been unab...

I have had a lot on my mind this weekend/week. A friend of ours, who was just 38 years old, passed away on Friday night. I can't imagine the pain, shock, and frustration that her family must be experiencing right now. I was speechless when I heard about her passing. I have to be honest that I had a hard time accepting the truth from her when I was going through a tough time. However, being the amazing and patient person that she was, she was forgiving, understanding, and supportive during one of the toughest times in my life. I will forever be grateful to her for that. Due to this news occurring prior to the Superbowl and its multitude of controversy, I have just looked at things from a unique perspective. I have seen a plethora of hateful Facebook statuses and media coverage as well as positive messages and support for the events of the Superbowl...I am referring both to the halftime show and Cam Newton's reaction to the loss. The messages of hate regarding the "gay-...

So, today was my third snow day in a row (score!). I spent a lot of the day cleaning, coloring, and walking. I also perused Facebook quite a bit as I am inclined to do when I have free time. I have been inspired by a friend from college who is also writing a blog. (Thanks Nicole!) She has decided to bare it all and be extremely honest and up front about how she is feeling and what she is going through. I greatly appreciate that. Too often, we portray ourselves as these perfect, happy, wonderful personalities on social media when really we are struggling inside. I don't think this helps anyone...most importantly ourselves. I appreciate when people are their genuine selves, even when I don't always agree with them. I think it takes a lot of guts to stick to your gut and express your feelings whether they are good or bad. You learn a lot from your struggle and the struggle of others and I enjoy reading and hearing about other people's lives. In that same vein, I am going thr...

Well, it's official, I'm an old married woman!...and I couldn't be happier about it. Today is my official one year anniversary. Around this time last year, I was heading to the salon that Ben and I bumped into each other at after losing touch to get my hair and makeup done for our big day. I am attempting not to be cheesy or sappy, but frankly, I don't give a damn if you think I am. I feel like Elf, "I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" Ben and I were fortunate enough to spend some time in National Harbor to celebrate our anniversary on Tuesday evening. We reflected on our first year over dinner. Most people tell you that marriage doesn't change things. I would agree with that in the aspect that it doesn't fix your problems or turn you into a monster; however, there is this sense of security that you just don't experience when you're simply "dating" or "living together." There is also a stat...

I am feeling frustrated and discouraged today...I know, a complete 180 from yesterday. This is the story of my life. I decided to try to be creative to let go of what's bothering me. Here is the result: Every teacher in their classroom fears Christmas a lot. Each student is off task from high school to small tot. Teachers love Christmas, the whole Christmas season, but the week before Christmas is feared for many reasons. It could be, perhaps, that benchmarks are plenty Or maybe it's that our classes are jam-packed with students - 10 plus 20! But I think that the most likely reason of all Is that administrators and superintendents are roaming the hall They're expecting us all to teach, teach, teach, teach... Keep them all on task until 3:07 they preach! Make sure that the lessons are rigorous and educational Their ideas are lofty...some might say sensational I would just ask that for a moment they pause and remember that sometimes kids just need Santa C...

Today was all at once a fabulous day and a crappy day. Just as I was feeling flustered sitting in a meeting and trying to remember to breathe because even middle schoolers get a bit nuts at Christmas time, I was called down to the office. I immediately wondered what they had to tell me that they couldn't say over the phone. My brain went through every awful piece of news that someone could reveal to me...someone was in a car accident, there was a medical emergency, someone died, etc. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to learn that I was selected as one of the Walmart "Teachers of the Year." 3 other teachers at our school received this award, but it was pretty damn awesome to be recognized for working hard and going above and beyond. I won a $50 gift card to Walmart for "school supplies and nutritious snacks." It was pretty great news to receive toward the end of the day and before Christmas. Then, after I returned from receiving this award, the 8th grade ...