Trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup.
I've had a lot on my mind this week and I feel like I need to put it out to the universe. I recently lost a very good friend. She didn't die or move away or anything. It just came to a point where we needed to be out of one another's lives. This situation has caused me to do a lot of reflecting on myself. I'm a brooder. I always have been and probably always will be; however, I believe that with everything I've had going on the past few years, I have tried extremely hard to be positive and get on with my life. Sure, I have days that are horrible and days that are wonderful, but I think everyone goes through ups and downs.
This friend that I lost said that "my negativity had been pushing her away for a while." This just made me think about the past few years and whether or not I have been negative. I certainly don't wake up in the morning and think "I'm going to be miserable today," but I do have mornings where it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and at times I would rather just crawl back under the covers and hide...I don't, but I feel like it some days. I think that people who have never experienced true struggles in their lives just can't relate to those of us who are dealt a different hand. I am in no way trying to negate the positives in my life, because there are a lot of them, but I have struggled with a lot over the past year. Honestly, depression is something I have dealt with since I was an adolescent. It runs in my family and if I am not taking my medicine, I truly do feel out of control and sad. However, in the past few years, I've been steadily taking my medicine, working out, and trying to be in control of my emotions. If I seem negative sometimes, it's just because that's how life is sometimes. I don't try to dwell on my feelings, but I am definitely an over-analyzer and a brooder, like I said.
Currently, I am struggling financially and emotionally on a pretty regular basis. I absolutely love my job, but again, if you have never been a teacher, I just don't think you can truly understand what we experience during the year. I honestly do treat these kids like they were my own. I love them unconditionally and even when they act like fools, I still try to push them to do their best. I am struggling with my own emotional state because everyday when I wake up, I want to be a positive influence in their lives. Since I don't have my own children, I have a lot more time to help my students with their burdens. Starting the mentor program this year at WHMS has been both rewarding and overwhelming. I think the hardest part about working with a lot of these kids is that sometimes it seems that I want more for them than they want for themselves. What I mean is that I don't think they truly understand the potential that they have and because a lot of these students come from homes that are not encouraging academic or intellectual development, they don't think about their own abilities. They assume that they will turn out like their older brothers and sisters or their parents who maybe aren't the greatest influence all the time, so they are scared to TRY to be successful. This keeps me awake at night. I want so badly for my students to fulfill their potential and reach their goals. This struggle goes from my classroom to the track team when I'm coaching as well. I strive every hour that I'm with them to have patience and be a source of encouragement and support...and sometimes discipline when they need it. I hope that my efforts are having a positive effect on a few of them. I have to admit that when our principal discussed how we closed the achievement gap in math and reading this year by at least 10% in both content areas, my heart smiled a little. Our mentors HAD to have something to do with that :-)
My financial struggles come from the fact that my salary from the job that I love just isn't cutting it. I know that people say "if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life;" however, it is really hard to put your all into a job you love and then come home and not be able to pay your bills on time because your salary just doesn't cover your mortgage, your bills, AND groceries and gas. I know that I am definitely NOT the only person going through this situation in our economy and I have been trying really hard to just smile and pray and get through it. I know that things will get better eventually, but it is difficult to have all of this student loan debt from earning a BFA and an MS, but barely being able to live off of the salary you're earning from that education. This year I went from splitting bills 50/50 to doing it completely on my own. That has been an eye-opening experience and has definitely made me more aware of how inadequate my salary is as an independent woman. I have been taking proactive steps to remedy this situation. I've taken on coaching and Wine and Design so that I can make some extra money doing things that I also love and I recently decided to apply for a vice principal position. I am aware that I don't have a lot of experience in leadership yet, but I do think I have the skills to do that job if I am offered an opportunity. It would at least be a raise since it's not looking good for the teachers, maintenance workers or other school support staff next year. It makes me feel like a traitor to want to switch to administration, but I still want to be able to work with the kids. I think I'm rambling...
Anyway, I have also had a lot to deal with emotionally this year. Making the decision to cancel my wedding in the Fall was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Thinking that I might lose my fiance completely due to his addiction was even harder. I am happy to say that he is doing awesome and we are taking things one day at a time, but it doesn't make it easy. My heart hurts everyday. When I had a vision of myself at age 30, it was of a married, well-adjusted, white house, picket-fence, Stepford wife...the whole ten yards (not exactly, but you get the idea!). Although that vision may not happen until I'm 40, I have hope that it will occur at some point. That keeps me motivated.
I guess that my thoughts on all of this are that if I can't be myself with my friends, where can I? I believe that I have grown up a ton since college and I just can't imagine trying to change myself to make anyone else happy. I want to be accepted and loved for exactly who I am. I don't want to have to worry about being smiley and happy every second in order to keep my friendships or my relationships going. I truly appreciate my friends and family that have been here for me through every awful decision I've made, every mistake, every tear-fest, and every temper tantrum that I'm sure have occurred over the years. I love you all no matter what. I am starting to think of my friendships like marriages. I know that you don't necessarily interact with your friends on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis, but those interactions can't possibly always be positive. Life is hard. There are deaths and tragedies and sadness and you have to love each other through the good and the bad. I hope that all of you have friends who will stick by your side no matter what. I appreciate you reading my ramblings, positive or negative. In the words of a good friend: "Keep smiling, keep shining."
This friend that I lost said that "my negativity had been pushing her away for a while." This just made me think about the past few years and whether or not I have been negative. I certainly don't wake up in the morning and think "I'm going to be miserable today," but I do have mornings where it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and at times I would rather just crawl back under the covers and hide...I don't, but I feel like it some days. I think that people who have never experienced true struggles in their lives just can't relate to those of us who are dealt a different hand. I am in no way trying to negate the positives in my life, because there are a lot of them, but I have struggled with a lot over the past year. Honestly, depression is something I have dealt with since I was an adolescent. It runs in my family and if I am not taking my medicine, I truly do feel out of control and sad. However, in the past few years, I've been steadily taking my medicine, working out, and trying to be in control of my emotions. If I seem negative sometimes, it's just because that's how life is sometimes. I don't try to dwell on my feelings, but I am definitely an over-analyzer and a brooder, like I said.
Currently, I am struggling financially and emotionally on a pretty regular basis. I absolutely love my job, but again, if you have never been a teacher, I just don't think you can truly understand what we experience during the year. I honestly do treat these kids like they were my own. I love them unconditionally and even when they act like fools, I still try to push them to do their best. I am struggling with my own emotional state because everyday when I wake up, I want to be a positive influence in their lives. Since I don't have my own children, I have a lot more time to help my students with their burdens. Starting the mentor program this year at WHMS has been both rewarding and overwhelming. I think the hardest part about working with a lot of these kids is that sometimes it seems that I want more for them than they want for themselves. What I mean is that I don't think they truly understand the potential that they have and because a lot of these students come from homes that are not encouraging academic or intellectual development, they don't think about their own abilities. They assume that they will turn out like their older brothers and sisters or their parents who maybe aren't the greatest influence all the time, so they are scared to TRY to be successful. This keeps me awake at night. I want so badly for my students to fulfill their potential and reach their goals. This struggle goes from my classroom to the track team when I'm coaching as well. I strive every hour that I'm with them to have patience and be a source of encouragement and support...and sometimes discipline when they need it. I hope that my efforts are having a positive effect on a few of them. I have to admit that when our principal discussed how we closed the achievement gap in math and reading this year by at least 10% in both content areas, my heart smiled a little. Our mentors HAD to have something to do with that :-)
My financial struggles come from the fact that my salary from the job that I love just isn't cutting it. I know that people say "if you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life;" however, it is really hard to put your all into a job you love and then come home and not be able to pay your bills on time because your salary just doesn't cover your mortgage, your bills, AND groceries and gas. I know that I am definitely NOT the only person going through this situation in our economy and I have been trying really hard to just smile and pray and get through it. I know that things will get better eventually, but it is difficult to have all of this student loan debt from earning a BFA and an MS, but barely being able to live off of the salary you're earning from that education. This year I went from splitting bills 50/50 to doing it completely on my own. That has been an eye-opening experience and has definitely made me more aware of how inadequate my salary is as an independent woman. I have been taking proactive steps to remedy this situation. I've taken on coaching and Wine and Design so that I can make some extra money doing things that I also love and I recently decided to apply for a vice principal position. I am aware that I don't have a lot of experience in leadership yet, but I do think I have the skills to do that job if I am offered an opportunity. It would at least be a raise since it's not looking good for the teachers, maintenance workers or other school support staff next year. It makes me feel like a traitor to want to switch to administration, but I still want to be able to work with the kids. I think I'm rambling...
Anyway, I have also had a lot to deal with emotionally this year. Making the decision to cancel my wedding in the Fall was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Thinking that I might lose my fiance completely due to his addiction was even harder. I am happy to say that he is doing awesome and we are taking things one day at a time, but it doesn't make it easy. My heart hurts everyday. When I had a vision of myself at age 30, it was of a married, well-adjusted, white house, picket-fence, Stepford wife...the whole ten yards (not exactly, but you get the idea!). Although that vision may not happen until I'm 40, I have hope that it will occur at some point. That keeps me motivated.
I guess that my thoughts on all of this are that if I can't be myself with my friends, where can I? I believe that I have grown up a ton since college and I just can't imagine trying to change myself to make anyone else happy. I want to be accepted and loved for exactly who I am. I don't want to have to worry about being smiley and happy every second in order to keep my friendships or my relationships going. I truly appreciate my friends and family that have been here for me through every awful decision I've made, every mistake, every tear-fest, and every temper tantrum that I'm sure have occurred over the years. I love you all no matter what. I am starting to think of my friendships like marriages. I know that you don't necessarily interact with your friends on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis, but those interactions can't possibly always be positive. Life is hard. There are deaths and tragedies and sadness and you have to love each other through the good and the bad. I hope that all of you have friends who will stick by your side no matter what. I appreciate you reading my ramblings, positive or negative. In the words of a good friend: "Keep smiling, keep shining."
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