Heart Aches

So, I had a really good Saturday. I had breakfast with my Grandparents and my Aunt and Uncle, then I got the grass cut, and cleaned my car inside and out. I did my grocery shopping, my laundry, and got to start reading The Fault in Our Stars. However, I am having a little bit of a hard time now that I am sitting alone at 8:45pm with nothing to do but grading and/or house cleaning. Seeing everyone's pictures with their families on Facebook is making my heart ache a little. I had just hoped so much to have my own little family by now. While I am ridiculously happy for my friends, their husbands, and their beautiful kids, it is just so hard to have patience. I have so many thoughts running through my mind and it is hard to have a racing mind and a lot of time on your hands. I think I have gotten so used to being busy that when I sit alone quietly, I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to bug my friends or beg people to hang out with me. I don't want to be someone who intrudes on plans or invites myself places...

Alright, subject change. Intervention is currently on TV. I am so incredibly proud of Ben's progress in battling alcoholism so far. He is now 5 months sober and it's amazing so far. He is such a wonderful person and I just want so badly for all of our dreams to start coming true. I want to move forward, but at the same time, I am terrified. I know there are always risks of marrying someone and things changing, but that risk increases when you are dealing with addiction. I know deep in my heart that Ben can keep going with his progress and that he will be an amazing husband and father. I just keep praying that we can get to that point. My intention for this post is not to "put my dirty laundry out there," but to voice my feelings about the situation in hopes that someone else can relate and it will help us put all of this in perspective. I am hoping that Ben and I can go to counseling together this summer and we can work through some of my anxieties and his too. For now, I am going to work on sitting with these feelings and trying to work through it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Weight, What?!

I am having a little conflict with myself lately. I am still 15 lbs away from what I weighed prior to having baby Aurora and this is frustrating me. However, if I am being completely honest with myself, I am not really doing anything about it. I am coming to the realization that I HATE summer. I don't hate being off work and I don't hate spending a lot of time with my daughter, but I HATE the heat and humidity. If I had the choice of going outside for a walk up and down the hills in my neighborhood while pushing the stroller or putting my hand in the oven for 30 seconds, I think I'd choose the latter. I am in a constant state of second-guessing myself. Do I put my 9 month old in the stroller slathered with sunscreen, in a hat that she hates and let her sweat it out so that I can get in some exercise or do we just stay inside and play? Staying inside and playing has most definitely been winning lately. We have been to the pool a few times, but this is not quite an aerobic ...
Read more

Is this the real life? Or is it fantasy?

These past few days have felt a bit like a dream. Everyone kept telling me that things would be a bit difficult after my D&C, but I kept trying to reassure myself that I would be fine. Truth is, it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I feel okay for most of the day, but every now and then I just feel like crying. I'm sure it is because my hormones are a bit wacko right now, but that does not make it much easier. Lots of people are advising me to take this week off, but i feel like the more I sit home and think, the tougher it is. I need some routine back in my world. I have been trying so hard to stay positive and think forward and try to be optimistic. I'm just struggling with it. I am very happy that Spring break is coming up and Ben and I will be able to go to North Carolina for a few days and escape. Anyway, I don't want to be Debbie Downer. I'm just trying to work through all of this. Thanks again for taking the time out to read this.
Read more

First Workout Complete!

It might've only been an 18 minute toning workout, but I did it! I feel out of shape, but also proud of myself for getting it in; especially after all of the holiday indulging. This web site is fantastic for easy workouts: www.fitsugar.com. Looking forward to doing some more this week!
Read more