Brain on Overload
I have had so much on my mind the past two weeks and it has been a while since I wrote anything down. This entry may be a bit all over the place, but that's sort of how my brain feels at the moment.
Today is one of those bittersweet days. My heart is feeling a bit heavy because I am seeing so much baby news on Facebook and in my daily life. On one hand, I am incredibly happy for my friends, family, and strangers with growing bellies and expanding families, but on the other hand, my heart is just aching that I'm not in that club yet. I am trying really hard not to dwell on it and keep myself occupied.
On Mother's Day, a good friend at church said to me, "Happy Mother's Day Sarah. You are like a Mom to all of our kids." I don't think she realized how much that meant to me. The sermon at church last week really hit home (it was all about how being a Mom didn't necessarily mean biologically and how motherhood is such a diverse topic for so many people), but it also made me wonder if I will ever be meant to be a "biological Mom" or if God's plan for me is more along the lines of being a "Mom" figure to the kids I teach and interact with. I have no clue what my future holds, but I sure do wish my body would figure out what it wants to do. It is really hard to be patient when you were prepared to be pregnant and then things just don't work out. (TMI warning...) I have to go back to the Dr's next week for more blood work and am hoping to get a period back at some point. Apparently you aren't supposed to try to become pregnant again until you have at least two "normal" cycles...whatever that means. I am just really struggling with the waiting.
On a completely unrelated topic: School has been tough for me the past two weeks. I feel like the harder I try to help my students be successful and motivated, the more push-back I'm getting...whether it's from them or their parents. I think it is just that time of year when I know my patience is wearing thin and they are just ready to be on summer break. It is a constant struggle as a teacher when you want so badly for your students to succeed and they just keep getting in their own way. Middle school is a tough age and that's one reason I chose to teach there. I want to make a difference and I hope that I'm doing that. My other struggle is dealing with all of the adversity we face with our contracts, budget, testing demands, and increasing costs of just about everything. We were informed last week that even though our middle school is one of the largest (and still growing) in the county, we will not be receiving any additional staff members. Our staff has not increased in 3 years, yet our numbers continue to rise. We also got word that our art budgets are being slashed yet again, but my class numbers keep rising...I'm not sure how that's going to work itself out, but I am going to try really hard to actually put that Donors Choose web site to good use this year. Someone out there has to have funding for 30+ students in each class. I guess I just feel a bit overwhelmed by all of the negativity that seems to be surrounding education right now. Then, you see things like the riots happening in Baltimore and it makes me question why we aren't focusing more on helping our kids be more socially responsible instead of testing them to death...that is a whole 'nother blog topic.
I am also still really struggling with my body image. I have managed to gain enough weight over the past year that I have gone up 2 pants sizes. 2! That is not okay. The frustrating part is that I have been working out, drinking Shakeology daily (as my breakfast), and trying to behave myself diet wise. I just don't know where this extra weight has come from. I am hoping it is due to the crazy hormone roller coaster that I've been on this year and that I can get a handle on it this summer. It is embarrassing to be a chubby track coach and I am super tired of not being able to fit into the clothes in my closet and not being able to afford to buy new ones at the moment.
On the bright side, I have managed to clean my car, start a painting, take my pup for a walk, spend some time with my parents and grandparents, and clean the house - and I still have half of my Saturday left. I promised myself that I was going to try to focus on being content today and not focus on the stress...that is just so much easier to say than it is to do. I hope that whatever your struggles are that you are able to make peace with them and find some joy in your day as well. Happy Saturday.
Today is one of those bittersweet days. My heart is feeling a bit heavy because I am seeing so much baby news on Facebook and in my daily life. On one hand, I am incredibly happy for my friends, family, and strangers with growing bellies and expanding families, but on the other hand, my heart is just aching that I'm not in that club yet. I am trying really hard not to dwell on it and keep myself occupied.
On Mother's Day, a good friend at church said to me, "Happy Mother's Day Sarah. You are like a Mom to all of our kids." I don't think she realized how much that meant to me. The sermon at church last week really hit home (it was all about how being a Mom didn't necessarily mean biologically and how motherhood is such a diverse topic for so many people), but it also made me wonder if I will ever be meant to be a "biological Mom" or if God's plan for me is more along the lines of being a "Mom" figure to the kids I teach and interact with. I have no clue what my future holds, but I sure do wish my body would figure out what it wants to do. It is really hard to be patient when you were prepared to be pregnant and then things just don't work out. (TMI warning...) I have to go back to the Dr's next week for more blood work and am hoping to get a period back at some point. Apparently you aren't supposed to try to become pregnant again until you have at least two "normal" cycles...whatever that means. I am just really struggling with the waiting.
On a completely unrelated topic: School has been tough for me the past two weeks. I feel like the harder I try to help my students be successful and motivated, the more push-back I'm getting...whether it's from them or their parents. I think it is just that time of year when I know my patience is wearing thin and they are just ready to be on summer break. It is a constant struggle as a teacher when you want so badly for your students to succeed and they just keep getting in their own way. Middle school is a tough age and that's one reason I chose to teach there. I want to make a difference and I hope that I'm doing that. My other struggle is dealing with all of the adversity we face with our contracts, budget, testing demands, and increasing costs of just about everything. We were informed last week that even though our middle school is one of the largest (and still growing) in the county, we will not be receiving any additional staff members. Our staff has not increased in 3 years, yet our numbers continue to rise. We also got word that our art budgets are being slashed yet again, but my class numbers keep rising...I'm not sure how that's going to work itself out, but I am going to try really hard to actually put that Donors Choose web site to good use this year. Someone out there has to have funding for 30+ students in each class. I guess I just feel a bit overwhelmed by all of the negativity that seems to be surrounding education right now. Then, you see things like the riots happening in Baltimore and it makes me question why we aren't focusing more on helping our kids be more socially responsible instead of testing them to death...that is a whole 'nother blog topic.
I am also still really struggling with my body image. I have managed to gain enough weight over the past year that I have gone up 2 pants sizes. 2! That is not okay. The frustrating part is that I have been working out, drinking Shakeology daily (as my breakfast), and trying to behave myself diet wise. I just don't know where this extra weight has come from. I am hoping it is due to the crazy hormone roller coaster that I've been on this year and that I can get a handle on it this summer. It is embarrassing to be a chubby track coach and I am super tired of not being able to fit into the clothes in my closet and not being able to afford to buy new ones at the moment.
On the bright side, I have managed to clean my car, start a painting, take my pup for a walk, spend some time with my parents and grandparents, and clean the house - and I still have half of my Saturday left. I promised myself that I was going to try to focus on being content today and not focus on the stress...that is just so much easier to say than it is to do. I hope that whatever your struggles are that you are able to make peace with them and find some joy in your day as well. Happy Saturday.
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