Baby Fever
I hesitated to write this and publish it; however, I started it the other day and saved it (just in case)...and, after editing it again, I feel like it's important to share where I'm at emotionally. This way, just in case someone else is feeling this way too (or struggling in a different way), perhaps it will help them feel less alone.
This week, approximately 8 of my Facebook friends announced their pregnancies. (Obviously it was a slow winter/spring!) After my miscarriage this year, I have tried hard to keep things in perspective. However, sometimes I just need to let myself feel sad or angry or frustrated. I'm noticing that the more I keep it in, the harder it is to be accepting of the happy news that my friends share with me. First of all, I miss my friends terribly. It's hard to grow up and not be close to everyone (physically at least). I am longing for the college days when I got to see my friends every day, or at least every week in the summer, and we could hang out and have fun and go to the pool and concerts, etc. etc. I guess I just feel like I'm in an odd place. Almost all of my friends are now Moms and sometimes it seems like they are in such a different world than I am. This weighs heavily on my heart. I am so incredibly happy for them that they have families and are building memories with them...I just want that too. I am thankful that I get to be in their lives and that I can play the "aunt" to so many of them. I just want to be a member of that club too.
I have to remind myself that I'm human. I have good days and bad. I am happy that I'm officially allowed to try to get pregnant again, but sometimes I don't realize how much I was affected by having a miscarriage in the first place. As an adult, I have tried so hard to play the role of the happy, well-adjusted, hard working, carefree female. I try to swallow the irrational feelings that I have and not let them affect my daily life. Those of you who know me know that this is not an easy feat. I am horrible at hiding how I feel and no matter how much I try to shove it down, it comes out in my face and conversation. Sometimes I'm happy that's the case because I'm a horrible liar; other times though, I wish my stupid face wouldn't give me away!
While on vacation, I got to see "Inside Out" with my family. It is a beautiful movie, but I was feeling choked up from the start when they showed the parents and the "baby" emotions. I felt stupid getting so emotional about an animated film, but sometimes I just don't realize what will and will not get to me.
Emotions really are crazy things. You just never know when something will hit you as funny or sad or upsetting. My whole life, it seems like I "feel" things differently than other people. I don't intentionally make myself depressed or pensive or upset or frustrated - whatever - it just happens. (Side note - I have no clue how I survived middle school. If I was my Mom, I probably would've hired a hit man or put me in a straight jacket and had me committed! Thank God she has a ton of patience and that she was understanding of my crazy preteen/teenage angst.) My biggest fear in sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings that I will push people away. I don't want my friends and family to feel like they can't talk to me because I'm dealing with a bunch of internal turmoil. However, I also want to make sure that people understand where I'm coming from. I want people to be aware that when others around you, especially women, aren't in a great mood, it could have to do with things that you just have no idea about. I realize that it's not fun or easy to discuss losing a baby or dealing with addiction, or any other uncomfortable topics that no one likes to bring up over dinner or drinks...BUT, know that it has nothing to do with you. Those of us dealing with these issues are trying our hardest to smile for you and celebrate with you and be good friends - it's just not always easy.
I am very fortunate to have wonderful women in my life who have been brave enough to share their own stories with me and help me stay positive. Just this week, one of my private art students' Moms (and my former parent volunteer) reminded me that she had her son when she was 45. She told me how she was impatient and frustrated with God because it was taking so long to try to have a baby of her own. Eventually, however, she reminded herself that God would give her a baby if and when he saw fit. She was right. Even though my prayers haven't been answered yet, I keep trying to remind myself that God has a plan and that my plans aren't always in line with it. I'm trying to be patient while allowing myself to feel the feelings that I need to let out in order to be sane. Some days, that will be screaming or crying or punching things and others it will be complete peace and gratitude. It's a beautifully messy thing to be a human being and I want to embrace that.
Today, I am trying to focus on how fortunate I am to own a home, have a career, have a loving husband, a supportive family, friends that have stuck by my side no matter how many years have passed, and enough gas in my tank to get away when I need it. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this and I hope whatever struggles you're dealing with, you can find peace in your own time.
This week, approximately 8 of my Facebook friends announced their pregnancies. (Obviously it was a slow winter/spring!) After my miscarriage this year, I have tried hard to keep things in perspective. However, sometimes I just need to let myself feel sad or angry or frustrated. I'm noticing that the more I keep it in, the harder it is to be accepting of the happy news that my friends share with me. First of all, I miss my friends terribly. It's hard to grow up and not be close to everyone (physically at least). I am longing for the college days when I got to see my friends every day, or at least every week in the summer, and we could hang out and have fun and go to the pool and concerts, etc. etc. I guess I just feel like I'm in an odd place. Almost all of my friends are now Moms and sometimes it seems like they are in such a different world than I am. This weighs heavily on my heart. I am so incredibly happy for them that they have families and are building memories with them...I just want that too. I am thankful that I get to be in their lives and that I can play the "aunt" to so many of them. I just want to be a member of that club too.
I have to remind myself that I'm human. I have good days and bad. I am happy that I'm officially allowed to try to get pregnant again, but sometimes I don't realize how much I was affected by having a miscarriage in the first place. As an adult, I have tried so hard to play the role of the happy, well-adjusted, hard working, carefree female. I try to swallow the irrational feelings that I have and not let them affect my daily life. Those of you who know me know that this is not an easy feat. I am horrible at hiding how I feel and no matter how much I try to shove it down, it comes out in my face and conversation. Sometimes I'm happy that's the case because I'm a horrible liar; other times though, I wish my stupid face wouldn't give me away!
While on vacation, I got to see "Inside Out" with my family. It is a beautiful movie, but I was feeling choked up from the start when they showed the parents and the "baby" emotions. I felt stupid getting so emotional about an animated film, but sometimes I just don't realize what will and will not get to me.
Emotions really are crazy things. You just never know when something will hit you as funny or sad or upsetting. My whole life, it seems like I "feel" things differently than other people. I don't intentionally make myself depressed or pensive or upset or frustrated - whatever - it just happens. (Side note - I have no clue how I survived middle school. If I was my Mom, I probably would've hired a hit man or put me in a straight jacket and had me committed! Thank God she has a ton of patience and that she was understanding of my crazy preteen/teenage angst.) My biggest fear in sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings that I will push people away. I don't want my friends and family to feel like they can't talk to me because I'm dealing with a bunch of internal turmoil. However, I also want to make sure that people understand where I'm coming from. I want people to be aware that when others around you, especially women, aren't in a great mood, it could have to do with things that you just have no idea about. I realize that it's not fun or easy to discuss losing a baby or dealing with addiction, or any other uncomfortable topics that no one likes to bring up over dinner or drinks...BUT, know that it has nothing to do with you. Those of us dealing with these issues are trying our hardest to smile for you and celebrate with you and be good friends - it's just not always easy.
I am very fortunate to have wonderful women in my life who have been brave enough to share their own stories with me and help me stay positive. Just this week, one of my private art students' Moms (and my former parent volunteer) reminded me that she had her son when she was 45. She told me how she was impatient and frustrated with God because it was taking so long to try to have a baby of her own. Eventually, however, she reminded herself that God would give her a baby if and when he saw fit. She was right. Even though my prayers haven't been answered yet, I keep trying to remind myself that God has a plan and that my plans aren't always in line with it. I'm trying to be patient while allowing myself to feel the feelings that I need to let out in order to be sane. Some days, that will be screaming or crying or punching things and others it will be complete peace and gratitude. It's a beautifully messy thing to be a human being and I want to embrace that.
Today, I am trying to focus on how fortunate I am to own a home, have a career, have a loving husband, a supportive family, friends that have stuck by my side no matter how many years have passed, and enough gas in my tank to get away when I need it. Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this and I hope whatever struggles you're dealing with, you can find peace in your own time.
I typed a whole long comment and it went away so if you get a double that's why.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I thought about you when I saw all those announcements. I wasn't sure if I should reach out but now that you posted this I know it's okay to tell you I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. You're a very strong woman. When you finally have your sweet baby you will appreciate motherhood THAT MUCH MORE because you have struggled to get there. <3 you, Girl.