It's Been a While...

I am still struggling with whether or not to post this, but I am having a hard time and I feel like I need to share. (Some may say over share, but whatever.) It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape the baby issue. I think perhaps I need to take a Facebook break...I tried to stay off of it for a while and read a magazine. While reading about skin and hair care, pregnancy came up again and again. "In your thirties, whether you've recently been pregnant or are thinking about expanding your family, you will most likely lose some hair." Thanks for bringing me back to the thoughts I was trying to escape In Style!

I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling or how to react when others share their good news. This is causing me ridiculous anxiety and guilt. There have been a TON of pregnancy reveals on Facebook lately from my friends and family. I will, selfishly, admit that this is killing me. Every time I see a new one, it feels like a punch in the gut. I have tried to lie to myself and say that I am not stressing out about getting pregnant, but it's not working. (I have to mention that these feelings could be amplified by the fact that my hormones know I am definitely NOT pregnant currently if you get my drift.)

I also keep trying to remind myself that God has a plan and I just don't know what it is yet. Well, damn it, I just want to understand it! I am not feeling strong and I am not feeling comfortable with it all yet. Why does it seem to be happening for everyone else and not me? Why was it so easy the first time and why did it have to end in sadness? I try to be optimistic and hopeful and not sad, but I just feel discouraged.

I do realize that things could be worse. I could have not been able to become pregnant at all...it is a good sign that I was able to...some people have been trying for years...blah, blah blah. It doesn't help me feel any better in the present moment. I have been trying to sit and pray and be with my thoughts. That does not seem to be having a positive impact either. It just leads to tears. Maybe I am just being too sensitive, maybe I haven't dealt with my miscarriage appropriately. Perhaps I should be on anti-depressants again. I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that I am having a super hard time changing my mindset on my own. I don't want to be the "Debbie Downer" friend and I don't want to obsess about it. I feel like I need a mental vacation from myself. I am just tired of trying to stifle how I'm feeling because I don't want to be judged or offend anyone. I am putting it out there because I am tired of swallowing it. I AM hurt, I AM angry, I AM frustrated. I hope that it will get easier and that one day I will get a happy, healthy baby, but I also know that there are no guarantees in life and it could certainly get harder too. Thank God my husband is a patient, understanding man because I am sure he is tired of hearing about it too. Tonight, I am going to work on finding peace in my crazy brain and hope that tomorrow I will have less negativity floating around in there.