Fear and Self-Loathing in Calvert County
So, today was my third snow day in a row (score!). I spent a lot of the day cleaning, coloring, and walking. I also perused Facebook quite a bit as I am inclined to do when I have free time. I have been inspired by a friend from college who is also writing a blog. (Thanks Nicole!) She has decided to bare it all and be extremely honest and up front about how she is feeling and what she is going through. I greatly appreciate that. Too often, we portray ourselves as these perfect, happy, wonderful personalities on social media when really we are struggling inside. I don't think this helps anyone...most importantly ourselves. I appreciate when people are their genuine selves, even when I don't always agree with them. I think it takes a lot of guts to stick to your gut and express your feelings whether they are good or bad. You learn a lot from your struggle and the struggle of others and I enjoy reading and hearing about other people's lives.
In that same vein, I am going through a constant struggle of trying to love myself and loathing myself all at the same time. I have some friends who created a group online that we can all help motivate one another with sticking to our healthy habits. I have been both encouraged by it and discouraged at the same time. You see, my issue is that I am never good enough for myself. Even when I make one or two healthy choices, I sabotage it all by overeating or sitting on the couch for the rest of the day...I could go one. I have struggled with my body image since I was in middle school, but it has gotten increasingly more difficult since I graduated college to appreciate my "curves." Some days I am fine and I remind myself that I can still keep up with the "skinny" people when I work out, I am strong, and I am capable of doing a lot. Then, there are the days where I binge eat pizza even though I have managed to walk/jog over 12,000 steps and forced myself to work out (read: strength train, do yoga, etc.). I don't know why I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. I will go weeks doing great and eating well and counting my calories and working out...and then I will completely fall off of the wagon. These snow days have been tough. While I have gotten a ton of working out in, my eating habits have been crap. I am well aware that I need to change, but for some reason I don't stick with it. It makes me so mad at myself. I live in constant fear that I will turn into one of those people on my 600 lb life where I can't move and I need someone to bathe me. (Realistically, I know that I am being completely irrational and I will not let it come to that; however, heart disease and obesity are two things that scare the hell out of me and both run in my family. That alone should be enough to motivate me to do something, but it just doesn't.)
I don't know when things changed for me. When I graduated from college, I was still able to run 3+ miles at a time and went to the gym almost daily. It wasn't until I moved out on my own and taught elementary school (read: stopped coaching cross country) that I let my fitness fall by the wayside. My eating habit have always been terrible. I used to starve myself all week to make weigh-ins for pole vaulting and then binge on the weekends. That vicious cycle continued into college. I have yo-yo dieted forever. I have tried slim fast, south beach, low carb, weight watchers. beachbody...you name it and I've probably thought about it. I don't know what will make me stick to something. It is frustrating and difficult and I just hate it. I overwhelm myself and then I beat myself up because I am not doing as well as other people.
That is another downfall I have. I compare myself to everyone else. How can they be Moms and have full time jobs and still manage to be thin and healthy? I know the answer is that they aren't lazy...they get off their butts, watch what they eat and probably don't beat themselves up about things. Maybe I am just being tough on myself, I don't know. All I do know is that I want to get to a point where I love myself...in this body, at this moment...with all of my flaws and yo-yo-ing. I know that if I don't appreciate myself now then even if I get thinner I will still have this self-hatred. I want to be good enough for ME...not anyone else. That is my struggle right now and I want to find a way to overcome it.
In that same vein, I am going through a constant struggle of trying to love myself and loathing myself all at the same time. I have some friends who created a group online that we can all help motivate one another with sticking to our healthy habits. I have been both encouraged by it and discouraged at the same time. You see, my issue is that I am never good enough for myself. Even when I make one or two healthy choices, I sabotage it all by overeating or sitting on the couch for the rest of the day...I could go one. I have struggled with my body image since I was in middle school, but it has gotten increasingly more difficult since I graduated college to appreciate my "curves." Some days I am fine and I remind myself that I can still keep up with the "skinny" people when I work out, I am strong, and I am capable of doing a lot. Then, there are the days where I binge eat pizza even though I have managed to walk/jog over 12,000 steps and forced myself to work out (read: strength train, do yoga, etc.). I don't know why I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise. I will go weeks doing great and eating well and counting my calories and working out...and then I will completely fall off of the wagon. These snow days have been tough. While I have gotten a ton of working out in, my eating habits have been crap. I am well aware that I need to change, but for some reason I don't stick with it. It makes me so mad at myself. I live in constant fear that I will turn into one of those people on my 600 lb life where I can't move and I need someone to bathe me. (Realistically, I know that I am being completely irrational and I will not let it come to that; however, heart disease and obesity are two things that scare the hell out of me and both run in my family. That alone should be enough to motivate me to do something, but it just doesn't.)
I don't know when things changed for me. When I graduated from college, I was still able to run 3+ miles at a time and went to the gym almost daily. It wasn't until I moved out on my own and taught elementary school (read: stopped coaching cross country) that I let my fitness fall by the wayside. My eating habit have always been terrible. I used to starve myself all week to make weigh-ins for pole vaulting and then binge on the weekends. That vicious cycle continued into college. I have yo-yo dieted forever. I have tried slim fast, south beach, low carb, weight watchers. beachbody...you name it and I've probably thought about it. I don't know what will make me stick to something. It is frustrating and difficult and I just hate it. I overwhelm myself and then I beat myself up because I am not doing as well as other people.
That is another downfall I have. I compare myself to everyone else. How can they be Moms and have full time jobs and still manage to be thin and healthy? I know the answer is that they aren't lazy...they get off their butts, watch what they eat and probably don't beat themselves up about things. Maybe I am just being tough on myself, I don't know. All I do know is that I want to get to a point where I love myself...in this body, at this moment...with all of my flaws and yo-yo-ing. I know that if I don't appreciate myself now then even if I get thinner I will still have this self-hatred. I want to be good enough for ME...not anyone else. That is my struggle right now and I want to find a way to overcome it.
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