It's Been a While...
A lot has happened since my last post. Most of you know by now that Ben and I are expecting our first child in October. I can't describe what an incredible blessing it is to finally have our dreams of becoming parents closer to being a reality. However; I also struggle daily with my nerves and anxiety. I can't explain the amount of relief I feel when the Dr. finds the heartbeat at our appointments (it's happened twice so far!). Being a women in general is such a roller coaster, but after having a miscarriage, I feel like being pregnant is even bumpier than my previous life.
I think it's normal for all women to have a fear of the unknown: will it all work out, will the baby be healthy, even though I've made it through the first trimester should I still be worried...these are things that run through my brain daily. I also struggle with feeling guilty for sharing my "woes" about being sick or tired or feeling off when I still have friends who have been unable to get pregnant or are still struggling. While I know it isn't my fault (or theirs) that they haven't had a baby, it's a strange place to be in. For a while, we could talk and relate to one another because we were sharing the same hurt; but, it's hard to be a support for someone when they know that you are now experiencing what they wanted so desperately. I was supposed to have a lunch date with a friend who is struggling with infertility over spring break, but she decided to cancel because it's just too hard for her right now. I can completely understand and relate to where she is. I hope that she knows that she is in my prayers and that I am still an ear to listen if she needs it. Pregnancy seems to be something that unites women and tears them apart all at the same time.
Not long after I found out about my own pregnancy, one of my student's Moms lost her baby. She carried him for 9 months and I don't know all of the details, but he didn't make it. It still knocks the wind out of me to think about it. There just aren't any guarantees and that is terrifying. I have been trying really hard to just pray about everything and try not to let my negative thoughts get the best of me. One positive that came out of that whole situation is that my student and I had a heart to heart and she told me that she really appreciated me sharing my story with her and she felt she had a connection to someone at school that could help her. That means the world to me.
I just hope that even if my friends are struggling, they know that through prayers and whatever other support they need, they can get help. It is so hard to be patient, but good things will happen when God is ready for them to happen. That is something I am still digesting myself, but I am happy to be a work in progress.
I think it's normal for all women to have a fear of the unknown: will it all work out, will the baby be healthy, even though I've made it through the first trimester should I still be worried...these are things that run through my brain daily. I also struggle with feeling guilty for sharing my "woes" about being sick or tired or feeling off when I still have friends who have been unable to get pregnant or are still struggling. While I know it isn't my fault (or theirs) that they haven't had a baby, it's a strange place to be in. For a while, we could talk and relate to one another because we were sharing the same hurt; but, it's hard to be a support for someone when they know that you are now experiencing what they wanted so desperately. I was supposed to have a lunch date with a friend who is struggling with infertility over spring break, but she decided to cancel because it's just too hard for her right now. I can completely understand and relate to where she is. I hope that she knows that she is in my prayers and that I am still an ear to listen if she needs it. Pregnancy seems to be something that unites women and tears them apart all at the same time.
Not long after I found out about my own pregnancy, one of my student's Moms lost her baby. She carried him for 9 months and I don't know all of the details, but he didn't make it. It still knocks the wind out of me to think about it. There just aren't any guarantees and that is terrifying. I have been trying really hard to just pray about everything and try not to let my negative thoughts get the best of me. One positive that came out of that whole situation is that my student and I had a heart to heart and she told me that she really appreciated me sharing my story with her and she felt she had a connection to someone at school that could help her. That means the world to me.
I just hope that even if my friends are struggling, they know that through prayers and whatever other support they need, they can get help. It is so hard to be patient, but good things will happen when God is ready for them to happen. That is something I am still digesting myself, but I am happy to be a work in progress.
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