Adult Onset ADD??
So I am feeling a bit like a crazy person this week. I have so many thoughts running through my brain constantly and I seem unable to sort them all out. This post may be a bit all over the place. I apologize in advance.
The main thing weighing on me is finding childcare for my daughter. In general, I absolutely hate feeling like I am burdening others with my existence or my problems. I know that my family members enjoy taking care of the baby, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking advantage of them. However, I am completely terrified to leave my daughter in the care of someone that I don't know. We are currently researching two potential daycare facilities for her, but my anxiety is at an all-time high about it. My stomach is in knots and it did not help that I read about a daycare in our county that had two children (ages 2 and 3 respectively) escape - for lack of a better word. They were found wandering down a street close by the daycare. This, of course, sparked a ton of other stories about people having awful daycare experiences. I just want with every fiber of my being to be a stay-at-home-Mom. I know that no one is going to take care of my girl the way I do and that no one will love her the same way. I also know that it is completely unrealistic for me to be able to afford all of my bills without working and that wouldn't be a good way to support my family either.
These thoughts all lead me to stressing about my job. While I am praying that our county will finally decide to honor our contract and start restoring the steps that we haven't been paid the past 6 years or so, I am just feeling frustrated that I have no room for growth in my current position unless I go back to school again, become an administrator, or switch careers entirely. I am feeling discouraged, and possibly a bit cynical, because everyone says "get your masters degree, you'll have so many more opportunities" blah blah blah. Well, I have had it for almost 4 years now and aside from the one pay raise I earned by completing my program, it hasn't given me an advantage over anyone else in the job market as far as I can tell. I've applied for positions within the school system and outside of it, but as of yet I have not had any luck getting to the interview stage in many of them.
I realize that education is not the only field where people are struggling with raises, steps, neglected contracts, etc, but that is what my personal experience is and this is just my perspective on it all. I just want to shout from the rooftops, "I'm awesome if you'd just talk to me!" I feel as though on paper, perhaps I do not seem as qualified as I am for positions that are not public-school based. I have been keeping an eye on my linked in account and trying to determine what I want to be when I grow up. I'm just having a hard time feeling like I'm going to battle everyday that I report to work.
This year, I am teaching two subjects out of content area (computers and spanish) while two music teachers teach 3 of my 8th grade art sections. I keep hearing about scheduling issues and staffing problems, but I don't understand how any of this is benefiting students, learning or achievement. The red tape and constant discussion with a lack of solution is what's been weighing on me at work. We can identify a million things that need improvement or aren't working; however, no one seems to be willing to do the work that it takes to fix the situation. I feel like if I were actually given the chance (which I've asked for multiple times over the past few years), perhaps I could provide some fresh perspective or creative solutions to our learning environment. I don't know...I feel like I'm rambling...see what I mean about having too much on my brain? (side note - I do appreciate that my supervisor at the BOE is offering me the opportunity to experiment with leadership positions in fine arts through curriculum writing and articulation. That makes me feel like at least someone can see my potential.)
I am also feeling like an awful friend these days. I want to talk to my girlfriends and make play dates with other Moms and kids, but I feel like the moment I have time to think about making plans, the baby needs something or I'm trying to clean or catch a nap. Adulting is hard!
I've been beating myself up about my eating and working out habits as well. I know that I need to eat better and that I need to make time for myself to work out; however, the few precious hours during the week that I have to spend with my daughter before work and before she goes to bed after work are times that I am not willing to sacrifice. I realize that I could work out after she goes to bed, but I can't seem to get myself on a good sleep schedule either. I was great about working out for the first 3 days of spring break, but my lack of sleep eventually caught up to me and I couldn't pull myself out of bed any earlier than 6am when the baby was ready to be up. I know that I am full of excuses, but I can't seem to get out of my own way. Walks with her in the stroller will have to do for now.
Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and reading this long, drawn-out vent session. I don't know if you need those 5 minutes of your life back or if you're feeling the same way, but I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read about mine. Perhaps ADD and Mom/Teacher-Brain are both quite similar diagnoses...that is a whole 'nother blog post...
The main thing weighing on me is finding childcare for my daughter. In general, I absolutely hate feeling like I am burdening others with my existence or my problems. I know that my family members enjoy taking care of the baby, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking advantage of them. However, I am completely terrified to leave my daughter in the care of someone that I don't know. We are currently researching two potential daycare facilities for her, but my anxiety is at an all-time high about it. My stomach is in knots and it did not help that I read about a daycare in our county that had two children (ages 2 and 3 respectively) escape - for lack of a better word. They were found wandering down a street close by the daycare. This, of course, sparked a ton of other stories about people having awful daycare experiences. I just want with every fiber of my being to be a stay-at-home-Mom. I know that no one is going to take care of my girl the way I do and that no one will love her the same way. I also know that it is completely unrealistic for me to be able to afford all of my bills without working and that wouldn't be a good way to support my family either.
These thoughts all lead me to stressing about my job. While I am praying that our county will finally decide to honor our contract and start restoring the steps that we haven't been paid the past 6 years or so, I am just feeling frustrated that I have no room for growth in my current position unless I go back to school again, become an administrator, or switch careers entirely. I am feeling discouraged, and possibly a bit cynical, because everyone says "get your masters degree, you'll have so many more opportunities" blah blah blah. Well, I have had it for almost 4 years now and aside from the one pay raise I earned by completing my program, it hasn't given me an advantage over anyone else in the job market as far as I can tell. I've applied for positions within the school system and outside of it, but as of yet I have not had any luck getting to the interview stage in many of them.
I realize that education is not the only field where people are struggling with raises, steps, neglected contracts, etc, but that is what my personal experience is and this is just my perspective on it all. I just want to shout from the rooftops, "I'm awesome if you'd just talk to me!" I feel as though on paper, perhaps I do not seem as qualified as I am for positions that are not public-school based. I have been keeping an eye on my linked in account and trying to determine what I want to be when I grow up. I'm just having a hard time feeling like I'm going to battle everyday that I report to work.
This year, I am teaching two subjects out of content area (computers and spanish) while two music teachers teach 3 of my 8th grade art sections. I keep hearing about scheduling issues and staffing problems, but I don't understand how any of this is benefiting students, learning or achievement. The red tape and constant discussion with a lack of solution is what's been weighing on me at work. We can identify a million things that need improvement or aren't working; however, no one seems to be willing to do the work that it takes to fix the situation. I feel like if I were actually given the chance (which I've asked for multiple times over the past few years), perhaps I could provide some fresh perspective or creative solutions to our learning environment. I don't know...I feel like I'm rambling...see what I mean about having too much on my brain? (side note - I do appreciate that my supervisor at the BOE is offering me the opportunity to experiment with leadership positions in fine arts through curriculum writing and articulation. That makes me feel like at least someone can see my potential.)
I am also feeling like an awful friend these days. I want to talk to my girlfriends and make play dates with other Moms and kids, but I feel like the moment I have time to think about making plans, the baby needs something or I'm trying to clean or catch a nap. Adulting is hard!
I've been beating myself up about my eating and working out habits as well. I know that I need to eat better and that I need to make time for myself to work out; however, the few precious hours during the week that I have to spend with my daughter before work and before she goes to bed after work are times that I am not willing to sacrifice. I realize that I could work out after she goes to bed, but I can't seem to get myself on a good sleep schedule either. I was great about working out for the first 3 days of spring break, but my lack of sleep eventually caught up to me and I couldn't pull myself out of bed any earlier than 6am when the baby was ready to be up. I know that I am full of excuses, but I can't seem to get out of my own way. Walks with her in the stroller will have to do for now.
Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and reading this long, drawn-out vent session. I don't know if you need those 5 minutes of your life back or if you're feeling the same way, but I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to read about mine. Perhaps ADD and Mom/Teacher-Brain are both quite similar diagnoses...that is a whole 'nother blog post...
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