In This Theater That I Call My Soul
I have been discussing with my Quest students this week how we have choices in controlling our emotions. We all have the ability to choose our reactions to external events. While I know that this is true, I just don't feel super in control of my emotions right now. Perhaps I am still stuck in adolescence when it comes to handling my feelings. I'm not sure why, but I have always been incredibly self-critical. It's an annoying trait that I wish I could fix. I remember being hard on myself even in Elementary School.
As a teacher, we sometimes have to fill out surveys on our students with IEPs or 504 plans. One question that always reminds me of myself is "cannot get a scolding out of his or her mind."I feel like I'm a dweller. When I make a mistake or take action on something and it doesn't go the way I had hoped, I over-analyze and dwell on that thing until it drives me crazy. I am working on trying to let things go a little more, but it seems tough right now. I have been over-analyzing my teaching skills this week. I am struggling to keep my students engaged and motivated to be creative. I know that some of this is my fault because I have not had the greatest attitude lately either. I try my hardest to greet all of the students in the morning with a smile and say "good morning" or "good afternoon" so we can start the class off on a positive note; however, it seems that no matter how positive I try to be, once class actually gets started, I struggle to keep up the happy-go-lucky attitude that I begin with. Anyway, I'm rambling...I'm just trying to be the best at many things and I think that because I want to be great, it makes it hard to keep up with my own expectations for myself.
On another note, I read an interesting article today. Here is the link: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/03/brigid_schulte_s_overwhelmed_and_our_epidemic_of_busyness.html#comments
It is all about busy-ness and all of the excuses that we use to avoid doing the things that we really desire to do. I am so guilty of this. I involve myself in so many activities, jobs, and other ventures that I get overwhelmed. I don't make time to hang out with my friends or meditate or just exist. I feel like if I am not going 5 million miles an hour, I am not good enough. As I get older, I am noticing that I really need to re-prioritize things. I have been reflecting today on what I really want to do with my time.
If I could do anything full-time, it would be teaching art to people of all ages just to help them express themselves...not for grades, not to meet standards, just to have fun and help process life's emotions and events. One of the most rewarding weekends I had was getting to teach a painting class to 8 adult friends who had taken a trip to Tuscany and wanted to commemorate their trip with a painting that they worked on together. Then, that same day, I got to teach a fundraiser painting class for some friends doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. My most rewarding moments at school are when my students really "get" the project and put a piece of their self into it. I also really love mentoring. I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day to plan great lessons, grade papers, mentor, coach track, paint for my own enjoyment, and prepare for my weekend classes. I love spending time with people and I just haven't been doing enough of that this week. I miss my friends and I am still having a hard time living alone. I know things are bound to get better, but I am still struggling to figure out how to make myself happy and not "contaminate" my time with frivolous activities that I shouldn't worry about.
As a teacher, we sometimes have to fill out surveys on our students with IEPs or 504 plans. One question that always reminds me of myself is "cannot get a scolding out of his or her mind."I feel like I'm a dweller. When I make a mistake or take action on something and it doesn't go the way I had hoped, I over-analyze and dwell on that thing until it drives me crazy. I am working on trying to let things go a little more, but it seems tough right now. I have been over-analyzing my teaching skills this week. I am struggling to keep my students engaged and motivated to be creative. I know that some of this is my fault because I have not had the greatest attitude lately either. I try my hardest to greet all of the students in the morning with a smile and say "good morning" or "good afternoon" so we can start the class off on a positive note; however, it seems that no matter how positive I try to be, once class actually gets started, I struggle to keep up the happy-go-lucky attitude that I begin with. Anyway, I'm rambling...I'm just trying to be the best at many things and I think that because I want to be great, it makes it hard to keep up with my own expectations for myself.
On another note, I read an interesting article today. Here is the link: http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/03/brigid_schulte_s_overwhelmed_and_our_epidemic_of_busyness.html#comments
It is all about busy-ness and all of the excuses that we use to avoid doing the things that we really desire to do. I am so guilty of this. I involve myself in so many activities, jobs, and other ventures that I get overwhelmed. I don't make time to hang out with my friends or meditate or just exist. I feel like if I am not going 5 million miles an hour, I am not good enough. As I get older, I am noticing that I really need to re-prioritize things. I have been reflecting today on what I really want to do with my time.
If I could do anything full-time, it would be teaching art to people of all ages just to help them express themselves...not for grades, not to meet standards, just to have fun and help process life's emotions and events. One of the most rewarding weekends I had was getting to teach a painting class to 8 adult friends who had taken a trip to Tuscany and wanted to commemorate their trip with a painting that they worked on together. Then, that same day, I got to teach a fundraiser painting class for some friends doing the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. My most rewarding moments at school are when my students really "get" the project and put a piece of their self into it. I also really love mentoring. I just feel like there are not enough hours in the day to plan great lessons, grade papers, mentor, coach track, paint for my own enjoyment, and prepare for my weekend classes. I love spending time with people and I just haven't been doing enough of that this week. I miss my friends and I am still having a hard time living alone. I know things are bound to get better, but I am still struggling to figure out how to make myself happy and not "contaminate" my time with frivolous activities that I shouldn't worry about.
Comments
Post a Comment