Gratefulness
As this is the season of Thanks, I am trying incredibly hard to focus on all of the blessings that I have in my life right now. It's been a tough week. I was fortunate enough to be able to take my Mom with me to NC last weekend for my grandparent-in-law's 60th wedding anniversary party. My husband got stuck working, so she filled in for him that way I didn't have to go alone. I am so thankful that she did. It was a beautiful party and it was so nice to spend time with my in-laws. They really are fabulous. I feel like I belong which is always nice. The only tough thing was that they had a christening for their first great-grandchild at the party. It was beautiful, but very tough for me. Initially, I didn't think I would be bothered...I mean, I am happy that Ben's cousin has been able to expand his family, I had just hoped that Ben and I would have our first child this year too. It hit me a lot harder than I thought. I held it together, but I didn't want to get close to the baby because I thought I would have a cry-fest if I tried to hold her or get too close. I hate that I feel that way. I don't want to be this crazy person who cries over other people's children. Their blessings should not make me upset. It's just frustrating when my feelings sneak up on me.
I was home cooking with my pets this morning because Ben had to go fix his seat belt in his car with his Dad. I tried to focus on the fact that I have a home, food, a loving family, supportive friends, a good job, and clothes on my back. I have so much to be thankful for and I don't want my missing puzzle piece (a baby) to cloud my thoughts. It's just difficult when you feel lonely and you can't figure out how to overcome it. (This will be TMI for some of you, so you have a fair warning.) I had hoped and prayed with everything I have that this would be our month to get pregnant. I had been doing my ovulation tests and had blood work done to tell me that I actually was ovulating; however, my period showed up a week early and has been going on for 13 days. It is disconcerting and after calling the Dr's consistently for 3 days, I finally got a response yesterday. They can't tell me for sure whether it was another miscarriage, but they're hoping my body is just trying to return to normal after all that it has been through the past year. I hope that too. I have to "wait and watch" and see if the bleeding will stop. If it doesn't, then it's back to the Dr's again. I just don't want this hurt. I never imagined that it would be so difficult to have a little one of my own. I know that you will tell me that it will happen when God is ready and I know that you're right. I just wish I could tell my heart to stop feeling sad and just keep being hopeful.
I would just ask that this Thanksgiving, if you are fortunate enough to have been blessed with children of your own, hug them a little tighter for me. Don't let their incessant crying, questioning, or energy drive you crazy. Embrace it and feel grateful that you have them in your life. I am grateful for my life and my husband and my family and I am going to try my best to just stay focused on that today. A friend gave me a quote that says "If you can't find happiness, find gratitude." I am going to focus my attention on that today. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
I was home cooking with my pets this morning because Ben had to go fix his seat belt in his car with his Dad. I tried to focus on the fact that I have a home, food, a loving family, supportive friends, a good job, and clothes on my back. I have so much to be thankful for and I don't want my missing puzzle piece (a baby) to cloud my thoughts. It's just difficult when you feel lonely and you can't figure out how to overcome it. (This will be TMI for some of you, so you have a fair warning.) I had hoped and prayed with everything I have that this would be our month to get pregnant. I had been doing my ovulation tests and had blood work done to tell me that I actually was ovulating; however, my period showed up a week early and has been going on for 13 days. It is disconcerting and after calling the Dr's consistently for 3 days, I finally got a response yesterday. They can't tell me for sure whether it was another miscarriage, but they're hoping my body is just trying to return to normal after all that it has been through the past year. I hope that too. I have to "wait and watch" and see if the bleeding will stop. If it doesn't, then it's back to the Dr's again. I just don't want this hurt. I never imagined that it would be so difficult to have a little one of my own. I know that you will tell me that it will happen when God is ready and I know that you're right. I just wish I could tell my heart to stop feeling sad and just keep being hopeful.
I would just ask that this Thanksgiving, if you are fortunate enough to have been blessed with children of your own, hug them a little tighter for me. Don't let their incessant crying, questioning, or energy drive you crazy. Embrace it and feel grateful that you have them in your life. I am grateful for my life and my husband and my family and I am going to try my best to just stay focused on that today. A friend gave me a quote that says "If you can't find happiness, find gratitude." I am going to focus my attention on that today. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
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