Deep Thoughts for a Friday

At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about this, but I think, for me at least, that it is cathartic to share my issues and get input from others on their own personal stories and situations. It just helps me cope. So...here it is.

If you are friends with me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen my somewhat vague posts about feeling a bit down this week. I recently found out that although I was pregnant for the past 9 weeks, I have what is called a "blighted ovum." This means that my body is/was pregnant, but while the sac is developing and growing, there is no embryo inside of it. I was pretty heartbroken to find this out. It is a really tough situation to know that you will miscarry or have to have a procedure done to have the life that you thought was developing taken out of you. That may sound dramatic or strange, but that is just how it feels to me. At first, I felt upset and sad and sorry for myself. (I feel like that's a pretty normal reaction to something like this.) Prior to my appointment, I had prayed that God would help me accept whatever the outcome was of my sonogram. However, no amount of praying fully prepares you for bad news. While I have been working on letting go and letting God take care of things, it does not make it easier to deal with initially.

I've had a few days to process things and am feeling slightly better about it. I know I am not alone in dealing with a miscarriage and that really does help. There have been a lot of hard times in my life over the past 10 years or so and sometimes it is just overwhelming and it can feel lonely. I am learning that if I just reach out to others and keep praying, that usually helps me get through it. I am hopeful and optimistic that Ben and I will be able to have children in the future, but it was a lot to process this week.

(Some of this next part may be too much information, so you've been forewarned.) I am still faced with the tough decision to try to wait things out and let my miscarriage happen naturally or to have a D and C to get rid of whatever tissue is currently in there. Both routes are pretty hard to wrap my brain around, but I'm confident that I will be able to make the best decision for myself when the time comes next week. This whole thing makes me anxious about trying again to have a baby, but I just keep trying to breathe deep and know that no matter what I do, it is in God's hands. I think that maybe this was just his way of telling us that the timing wasn't right and we just need to be patient. Patience is not always my strongest trait, but I am working on it.

With all of this happening, I have been feeling a little like Eeyore. Like there is a gray cloud following me around. Last night and today I have been trying to focus on the positive and that has helped some. It doesn't drown out the sadness or frustration completely, but it certainly helps. I feel blessed that my husband is so supportive and understanding. I am thankful to have amazing coworkers who offer help both personally and professionally and I am incredibly fortunate to have an amazing family and friends who check in on me when I'm talking about feeling sad or upset. I know that this is just a bump in the road and things will get better. This is going to be a process and I just have to take one day at a time.

I have read that miscarriage is something that happens more often than you might think. I know it is not a fun topic to discuss, but for me, it just helps to put it out there and learn that you aren't alone in your suffering and you aren't crazy for thinking there is something wrong with you or your body. It is definitely reassuring to know that while several people I know have had their own experiences with miscarrying, many of them have gone on to have healthy, beautiful children. I am just trying to focus on getting this set back out of the way and giving myself time to recover and reset. On the positive side, I will be running right along side of my students at track practice the next few weeks and I can finally get that CT Scan of my sinuses that my ENT ordered for me. There is always a silver lining, I suppose. If you or your other half have had to deal with this situation, I am truly sorry and I hope that you have been able to grieve and eventually move forward. I would love to hear your story and please know, you are in my heart and my prayers if you are having a baby or recovering from a setback like I am. Hugs to all of you who took the time out to read this.