Stress is Scarier than Halloween
I have been struggling this weekend. I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep any night this week and I know stress is the culprit. I finally felt able to relax last night, but as soon as I woke up this morning I felt like I was on the verge of tears again. I realize that my last post was about choosing to be happy and choosing to leave stress at work; however, my body just keeps betraying me. **Just a heads up that some of this may be TMI.**
My mind has been trying to calm the rest of me, but it isn't working. I am really having a hard time this month about baby stuff. Not only did all of my ovulation tests come up negative this month, I am now not getting a period at all. This is NOT helping with my choice to try not to be stressed out. I am grinding my teeth, biting holes in my cheeks, getting frequent stomach aches, headaches, and generally feeling worn down. I feel like I may cry at the drop of a hat on a regular basis and I have been trying to make myself work out to combat all of this because in addition to being told that I needed to reduce my stress in order to get pregnant, they also tell me that I need to lose weight.(sorry for the run-on sentence) This has been a constant struggle for me my whole life as well. The only way I kept it off before was running, but I have a hard time with that nowadays because of my ankle and knee. None of this is helping. I am not only not losing weight, my stress seems to be increasing because of my inability to do so and my struggle to try and make a little person of my own.
Everyone keeps telling me, "your body will tell you when it's ready" and "you just need to relax." Well, thank you. I appreciate those sentiments; however, I don't know what the F&%k my body is saying right now. I do know that most mornings I want to hide under the covers rather than get out of bed and go to work. I have the urge all at once to run ten miles and sleep for days. None of it makes sense and all of it is frustrating. On top of that, it is incredibly difficult to make a therapy appointment because my insurance is only accepted at certain places and my job makes it very difficult to make multiple phone calls during normal business hours.
My job is tough, but it has not been stressful because of my students. I only have one challenging group and I am fortunate enough that I get new classes each quarter so we get to start over again on Thursday. As a whole, my students are self-sufficient, creative, and love art. I am just so tired of stressing over grading projects, making SLO's, running the mentoring program without a lot of help or support (or extra compensation/time), analyzing data, trying to help the teachers who are teaching art out of field (although I know they're fine on their own), and a plethora of other things I can't wrap my brain around right now. I am not in a career where reducing stress comes easy. I did make myself leave my grading at school this weekend. I just also know it is looming there on Monday for me to deal with. I feel guilty when I'm not planning or grading on the weekend and I feel guilty when I can't make things happen for the mentor program like I want. My biggest problem is, I have applied for numerous other jobs and keep getting rejected. This doesn't do good things for my self-esteem. It makes me question when I really am qualified to do anything else. Deep down, I know that I am. I just wish there was a way to do a face-to-face meeting with supervisors instead of just sending a resume. I know that my resume doesn't do me justice. Perhaps it is worth it to get someone to help you write and revise your resume.
I read a lot of information and tips on how to reduce stress and how stress affects your body. Apparently it causes all sorts of ugly things: heart disease, infertility, digestive issues, inflammation, etc. I know that being an adult is not an easy task and that being a Mom adds even more stress, but I feel like that is the piece that is missing from my life right now. I wish I could let that go, but it is easier said than done. While I have been trying to spend this month celebrating myself, I am tired of everything being a struggle. I just feel like every positive thing that's happened in my life has happened after a huge war with myself or whatever obstacle has gotten in the way. I had (and continue to) hoped and prayed that this one part...becoming a Mom, would be the one easy thing. It's just not happening that way. Even if it is going to be a fight, I have my gloves and I suppose I am ready for it once again. I will get knocked down, but I am working so hard to find a way to keep getting back up.
My mind has been trying to calm the rest of me, but it isn't working. I am really having a hard time this month about baby stuff. Not only did all of my ovulation tests come up negative this month, I am now not getting a period at all. This is NOT helping with my choice to try not to be stressed out. I am grinding my teeth, biting holes in my cheeks, getting frequent stomach aches, headaches, and generally feeling worn down. I feel like I may cry at the drop of a hat on a regular basis and I have been trying to make myself work out to combat all of this because in addition to being told that I needed to reduce my stress in order to get pregnant, they also tell me that I need to lose weight.(sorry for the run-on sentence) This has been a constant struggle for me my whole life as well. The only way I kept it off before was running, but I have a hard time with that nowadays because of my ankle and knee. None of this is helping. I am not only not losing weight, my stress seems to be increasing because of my inability to do so and my struggle to try and make a little person of my own.
Everyone keeps telling me, "your body will tell you when it's ready" and "you just need to relax." Well, thank you. I appreciate those sentiments; however, I don't know what the F&%k my body is saying right now. I do know that most mornings I want to hide under the covers rather than get out of bed and go to work. I have the urge all at once to run ten miles and sleep for days. None of it makes sense and all of it is frustrating. On top of that, it is incredibly difficult to make a therapy appointment because my insurance is only accepted at certain places and my job makes it very difficult to make multiple phone calls during normal business hours.
My job is tough, but it has not been stressful because of my students. I only have one challenging group and I am fortunate enough that I get new classes each quarter so we get to start over again on Thursday. As a whole, my students are self-sufficient, creative, and love art. I am just so tired of stressing over grading projects, making SLO's, running the mentoring program without a lot of help or support (or extra compensation/time), analyzing data, trying to help the teachers who are teaching art out of field (although I know they're fine on their own), and a plethora of other things I can't wrap my brain around right now. I am not in a career where reducing stress comes easy. I did make myself leave my grading at school this weekend. I just also know it is looming there on Monday for me to deal with. I feel guilty when I'm not planning or grading on the weekend and I feel guilty when I can't make things happen for the mentor program like I want. My biggest problem is, I have applied for numerous other jobs and keep getting rejected. This doesn't do good things for my self-esteem. It makes me question when I really am qualified to do anything else. Deep down, I know that I am. I just wish there was a way to do a face-to-face meeting with supervisors instead of just sending a resume. I know that my resume doesn't do me justice. Perhaps it is worth it to get someone to help you write and revise your resume.
I read a lot of information and tips on how to reduce stress and how stress affects your body. Apparently it causes all sorts of ugly things: heart disease, infertility, digestive issues, inflammation, etc. I know that being an adult is not an easy task and that being a Mom adds even more stress, but I feel like that is the piece that is missing from my life right now. I wish I could let that go, but it is easier said than done. While I have been trying to spend this month celebrating myself, I am tired of everything being a struggle. I just feel like every positive thing that's happened in my life has happened after a huge war with myself or whatever obstacle has gotten in the way. I had (and continue to) hoped and prayed that this one part...becoming a Mom, would be the one easy thing. It's just not happening that way. Even if it is going to be a fight, I have my gloves and I suppose I am ready for it once again. I will get knocked down, but I am working so hard to find a way to keep getting back up.
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