Mind, Body and Soul Manifestations

I just read an interesting article (blog?) about "secondhand love." Here  it is. I believe that I have experienced this both ways: first choosing someone else to be my secondhand love and then being someone else's second choice. However, my most recent relationship feels like it is real, all-consuming love. I don't know how many of you have seen the movie What Dreams May Come, but it's an amazing film that has always stuck with me. First of all, it shows that love can overcome even death. It also addresses the idea of soul-mates. Even though the husband, Chris, is killed in a tragic accident, he watches over his wife and he never gives up on her. It's a beautiful film and if you haven't seen it, you should check it out. Anyway, all of this lead me to thinking about the vows that I began writing to Ben before our wedding. I want to share them with you all. I am praying that 2014 will bring health and happiness to both of us and I honestly meant every word...

Well, I was sitting here diligently working on my "Internship Summary Paper" and also watching Rachael Ray. It happens to be an episode about her and her friends. They just mentioned how they met through men and that some of the men "went away" and they stayed friends. I couldn't help but reminisce about my own girlfriends. I really do have some of the best. This was a conversation I also had with my mentees last weekend. As 7th graders, they have a lot of drama about boys and friendships. We talked about how no matter how many boys come and go, you should always value your girlfriends. They are there for you no matter what. Sometimes you make really awful mistakes and there are hard times, but when you have true friends, they will stick by your side no matter what. I am very lucky to have several friends that have been in my life for 20+ years. It's awesome. I want to devote this blog to them. My first and very best friend is April. She and I have been fr...

I hope you've all had a wonderful Christmas. I have been very blessed to be able to spend time with my family and see my nephew be super-pumped about Santa and baby Jesus. He sang Happy Birthday with a Santa candle to baby Jesus. It was adorable. Now, I am sitting at home watching Martin Short on SNL singing about it being the "sexiest time of the year." It is certainly amusing and ironic... I can tell it's Christmas because I have successfully eaten my way through the day and now I feel like I need a pair of sweatpants. I am noticing more and more how much we all try to put on this facade that we have perfect families without any problems and we try not to talk about the hard stuff we've been through or the issues we are dealing with. I heard a really great quote on the radio the other day. Carlos Santana saw a news story about his former conga player being homeless and going through some addiction problems. The quote was, "sometimes we have family or frie...

Admittedly, this was probably not the smartest choice of a movie for me to watch on a Saturday night alone, but alas, I did...and here we are. It's a great movie and in a way, it gives me hope. While I'm not sure what the future holds for Ben and I, I am sure that I can't just tell my heart to shut up. I have had other relationships that I thought would result in marriage, but this one truly seemed like it was it. It still does. I pray every day and night that God will help guide me in the direction that I'm supposed to go. It is just incredibly hard to have patience. I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I'm trying to keep the faith that I will find happiness sooner rather than later. I know several ladies that I would consider good friends who did not find their soul mate until they were well into their 40's. If that is how long it takes to find happiness, then I will just have to wait. Anyway, there was only so much portfolio editing and pape...

Well, I think I've made a mistake. It was stupid of me to think that I could talk to him on the phone and everything would just be fine if we saw each other in person. Wrong. Part of me just wants to scream, "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!" However, I know that it won't get us anywhere and that would be the teenager reaction. I am trying my hardest to act like a somewhat mature 30-year old. Love is such a confusing, crazy emotion. You spend your time trying so hard not to hurt the ones you love and you forget to protect yourself. The more I try not to hurt others, the more I end up suffering. I guess I just need to accept the fact that I cannot go through life pleasing everyone. I've got to do what is best for myself. I suppose right now that means I truly need to cut ties and deal with my own stuff. It might sound awful, but I have always hated that verse from Corinthians about love - everyone always reads it at weddings. You know the one: "4 Love is patient, love...

Well, I have tried since September to set up a counseling appointment with multiple venues in Calvert County. I FINALLY got an appointment for this evening only to have it cancelled and now I can't get in to see anyone until January. Here comes the rant: How is this country supposed to help take care of our mental health issues if the health professionals are not available or overloaded? This is an issue that has been close to me since I was younger. I've suffered with my own issues, but also watched family members suffer through manic depression and various other degrees of depression. I have decided that since I can't see someone to discuss all of my thoughts, I'd just share them with you guys. Feedback is good therapy, so feel free to give me your two cents. All of the changes that have happened over the past week have been sudden and unwanted. I feel sad and frustrated, but I also feel very in love with a person that I can't help. I feel like I have always fal...

I feel a bit lost in thought today. I had to shadow a Dean today for a graduate school assignment. This kept my mind occupied for a while, but coming home to an empty house is hard. Thank goodness for my sister, nephew, and Max. They created a distraction for a while as well. Right now, however, I just can't stop thinking about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It is a sad movie, but an intriguing concept. Would I go back and erase my memories of past relationships if I could? I wish that I could erase the awful things from my previous relationships...the sneaking around, the lying, the fighting; but, then how would I have learned anything from those mistakes or situations? It is nice to think that if you didn't go through all of the pain, your life would be better, but pain does help us grow. Although I am right in the middle of it all, I am still struggling with what I want out of life. My brain is running wild with thoughts. Ultimately, I wish that...

I have had to make one of the hardest decisions of my entire life this weekend. I have decided to call off my wedding and part ways with my fiancee. I realize that from the outside looking in this might seem confusing and strange; however, I think it is important to understand that you never truly know what people are going through even when you are close to them. We used to have a saying in our sorority "From the outside looking in you can never understand it and from the inside looking out you can never explain it." This is the truest statement that I can think of in my current situation. All I know is that it is so hard to love someone with all of your heart and see them hurting because they do not love themselves the way that they should. It is heartbreaking. Now that I am 30 and have had my heart broken a few times, I think it is easier to understand that in order to experience love to the fullest degree possible, you truly have to love yourself. I didn't always kn...