Individual Counseling...
Well, I have tried since September to set up a counseling appointment with multiple venues in Calvert County. I FINALLY got an appointment for this evening only to have it cancelled and now I can't get in to see anyone until January. Here comes the rant: How is this country supposed to help take care of our mental health issues if the health professionals are not available or overloaded? This is an issue that has been close to me since I was younger. I've suffered with my own issues, but also watched family members suffer through manic depression and various other degrees of depression. I have decided that since I can't see someone to discuss all of my thoughts, I'd just share them with you guys. Feedback is good therapy, so feel free to give me your two cents.
All of the changes that have happened over the past week have been sudden and unwanted. I feel sad and frustrated, but I also feel very in love with a person that I can't help. I feel like I have always fallen for people that need "fixing." Without even knowing it, I end up falling for people with kleptomania, communication issues, addiction, or just the biggest ego ever. I build these people up in my head and imagine all of the amazing possibilities and then it seems to come crashing back down to reality at some point. My relationship with Ben is and was a lot different. I felt like I could always be myself with him. I still feel that way. I fell in love with his sense of humor, his beautiful eyes, his smile, and the way that he actually listened and paid attention to our conversations. Those feelings haven't gone away, but there is a dark side to him that I know I can't fix or help him with. Over the past few months, I felt him slipping away and I tried everything I could to get him back. I just didn't know how else to help him other than to let him go. I am just trying to figure out how to deal with this situation. I have never broken up with someone and not wanted to completely cut contact with them. Literally every other relationship I've ended or changed, I have just found it easier to cut ties and move on as quickly as possible. I can't envision myself doing that right now. Ever since we started dating, I was imagining my future with him. Those images are still burned in my brain; however, now it is hard to see what the future would look like if I stayed with him the way he has been the past few months. It's such an odd complicated feeling. One that I just don't know how to explain and I don't know that I even understand it myself. I don't want to give up on him. I know he is an amazing person deep down and that he just needs to work on himself for a while...and so do I. I think I need time to just sort through all of this. As hard as it is, I think I'm going to have to live with being in a state of limbo for a while. Things aren't over, but they can't begin again without some changes.
When people I don't know well ask about my wedding (which seems to be happening frequently at school) it seems like their immediate response is to try to play matchmaker. While I appreciate their desire to help and try to improve my situation, I want to make it clear that I am in no way ready for another relationship right now. I definitely need some time to figure myself out and to know that I can handle things on my own again. I know everyone means well, but it is hard to explain that you're still in love with the person that you ended things with. Anyway, these are all of the things I have nagging at my brain. I'm going to try to get back to paper-writing and portfolio-editing. Thanks for taking the time out to see what's going on in my head.
All of the changes that have happened over the past week have been sudden and unwanted. I feel sad and frustrated, but I also feel very in love with a person that I can't help. I feel like I have always fallen for people that need "fixing." Without even knowing it, I end up falling for people with kleptomania, communication issues, addiction, or just the biggest ego ever. I build these people up in my head and imagine all of the amazing possibilities and then it seems to come crashing back down to reality at some point. My relationship with Ben is and was a lot different. I felt like I could always be myself with him. I still feel that way. I fell in love with his sense of humor, his beautiful eyes, his smile, and the way that he actually listened and paid attention to our conversations. Those feelings haven't gone away, but there is a dark side to him that I know I can't fix or help him with. Over the past few months, I felt him slipping away and I tried everything I could to get him back. I just didn't know how else to help him other than to let him go. I am just trying to figure out how to deal with this situation. I have never broken up with someone and not wanted to completely cut contact with them. Literally every other relationship I've ended or changed, I have just found it easier to cut ties and move on as quickly as possible. I can't envision myself doing that right now. Ever since we started dating, I was imagining my future with him. Those images are still burned in my brain; however, now it is hard to see what the future would look like if I stayed with him the way he has been the past few months. It's such an odd complicated feeling. One that I just don't know how to explain and I don't know that I even understand it myself. I don't want to give up on him. I know he is an amazing person deep down and that he just needs to work on himself for a while...and so do I. I think I need time to just sort through all of this. As hard as it is, I think I'm going to have to live with being in a state of limbo for a while. Things aren't over, but they can't begin again without some changes.
When people I don't know well ask about my wedding (which seems to be happening frequently at school) it seems like their immediate response is to try to play matchmaker. While I appreciate their desire to help and try to improve my situation, I want to make it clear that I am in no way ready for another relationship right now. I definitely need some time to figure myself out and to know that I can handle things on my own again. I know everyone means well, but it is hard to explain that you're still in love with the person that you ended things with. Anyway, these are all of the things I have nagging at my brain. I'm going to try to get back to paper-writing and portfolio-editing. Thanks for taking the time out to see what's going on in my head.
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