Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I feel a bit lost in thought today. I had to shadow a Dean today for a graduate school assignment. This kept my mind occupied for a while, but coming home to an empty house is hard. Thank goodness for my sister, nephew, and Max. They created a distraction for a while as well. Right now, however, I just can't stop thinking about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It is a sad movie, but an intriguing concept. Would I go back and erase my memories of past relationships if I could? I wish that I could erase the awful things from my previous relationships...the sneaking around, the lying, the fighting; but, then how would I have learned anything from those mistakes or situations? It is nice to think that if you didn't go through all of the pain, your life would be better, but pain does help us grow. Although I am right in the middle of it all, I am still struggling with what I want out of life. My brain is running wild with thoughts. Ultimately, I wish that my most recent relationship would not have taken the turn that it did. I am just hopeful that God has some sort of plan for all of this. I hope and pray that I will understand that plan soon. I want to be able to heal and understand why all of this is going on. It's just so hard to focus on the things I need to focus on when I'm sitting in my living room staring at the computer screen and everything is reminding me of Ben. I know that it will get better, I just want it to happen sooner rather than later. I don't want eternal sunshine or a spotless mind. I just want a beautiful relationship with all of the ups and downs. I want a partner that will stand by me no matter what, that will choose me no matter what, that will make me feel wanted and accepted and loved. I want honesty and I truly want to be able to get to know all sides of someone. I don't want to have to feel like I have to hide anything and I don't want my future partner to feel that way either. I truly believe that your mistakes and faults add to your relationship and if you can't open up to one another about all of these things then you can't have a successful relationship. Alright...I am really rambling now. I'm going to try to redirect and refocus my attention to my homework.

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