Mind, Body and Soul Manifestations

Well, it's official, I'm an old married woman!...and I couldn't be happier about it. Today is my official one year anniversary. Around this time last year, I was heading to the salon that Ben and I bumped into each other at after losing touch to get my hair and makeup done for our big day. I am attempting not to be cheesy or sappy, but frankly, I don't give a damn if you think I am. I feel like Elf, "I'm in love, I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" Ben and I were fortunate enough to spend some time in National Harbor to celebrate our anniversary on Tuesday evening. We reflected on our first year over dinner. Most people tell you that marriage doesn't change things. I would agree with that in the aspect that it doesn't fix your problems or turn you into a monster; however, there is this sense of security that you just don't experience when you're simply "dating" or "living together." There is also a stat...

I am feeling frustrated and discouraged today...I know, a complete 180 from yesterday. This is the story of my life. I decided to try to be creative to let go of what's bothering me. Here is the result: Every teacher in their classroom fears Christmas a lot. Each student is off task from high school to small tot. Teachers love Christmas, the whole Christmas season, but the week before Christmas is feared for many reasons. It could be, perhaps, that benchmarks are plenty Or maybe it's that our classes are jam-packed with students - 10 plus 20! But I think that the most likely reason of all Is that administrators and superintendents are roaming the hall They're expecting us all to teach, teach, teach, teach... Keep them all on task until 3:07 they preach! Make sure that the lessons are rigorous and educational Their ideas are lofty...some might say sensational I would just ask that for a moment they pause and remember that sometimes kids just need Santa C...

Today was all at once a fabulous day and a crappy day. Just as I was feeling flustered sitting in a meeting and trying to remember to breathe because even middle schoolers get a bit nuts at Christmas time, I was called down to the office. I immediately wondered what they had to tell me that they couldn't say over the phone. My brain went through every awful piece of news that someone could reveal to me...someone was in a car accident, there was a medical emergency, someone died, etc. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to learn that I was selected as one of the Walmart "Teachers of the Year." 3 other teachers at our school received this award, but it was pretty damn awesome to be recognized for working hard and going above and beyond. I won a $50 gift card to Walmart for "school supplies and nutritious snacks." It was pretty great news to receive toward the end of the day and before Christmas. Then, after I returned from receiving this award, the 8th grade ...

As this is the season of Thanks, I am trying incredibly hard to focus on all of the blessings that I have in my life right now. It's been a tough week. I was fortunate enough to be able to take my Mom with me to NC last weekend for my grandparent-in-law's 60th wedding anniversary party. My husband got stuck working, so she filled in for him that way I didn't have to go alone. I am so thankful that she did. It was a beautiful party and it was so nice to spend time with my in-laws. They really are fabulous. I feel like I belong which is always nice. The only tough thing was that they had a christening for their first great-grandchild at the party. It was beautiful, but very tough for me. Initially, I didn't think I would be bothered...I mean, I am happy that Ben's cousin has been able to expand his family, I had just hoped that Ben and I would have our first child this year too. It hit me a lot harder than I thought. I held it together, but I didn't want to get cl...

I had been lying in bed for an hour or so just staring at the red light on my TV. I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my brain and I felt like I needed to write some of them down. I feel so troubled by everything that has occurred in our world over the past few weeks/months. I hate that the new topic of conversation among my students is a threat from a terrorist group on Washington D.C. I have been trying to assure them that our world is sort of like Men In Black right now. "There is always going to be some Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that's about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they do not know about it!" (Agent K) I want them to be able to live their lives without worrying about those threats. That quote has resonated with me...as cheesy as it may sound. As soon as we hear news that someone has officially threatened our...

I am feeling much more like myself (I think I can say that-it's like Sarah 2.0) this week.  I met with my Dr. a week and a half ago and in the midst of balling my eyes out and trying to convey to her how I was feeling, she calmly told me that it is not my fault that I'm feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. Those of us who truly suffer from anxiety and depression cannot prevent those feelings rationally on our own. There is a chemical imbalance and I shouldn't feel bad about it. (Thank God for her!) We decided that my best course of action (regardless of trying to get pregnant) was to get back on some medicine. I can already feel a difference in my stress and energy levels. I hate admitting that I'm not strong enough to get through life without a bit of help from a pill, but it's the truth...and if it makes me feel more motivated and less out of control then I am going to have to accept it. The baby business is still in the back of my mind, but I don't feel lik...

I have been struggling this weekend. I haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep any night this week and I know stress is the culprit. I finally felt able to relax last night, but as soon as I woke up this morning I felt like I was on the verge of tears again. I realize that my last post was about choosing to be happy and choosing to leave stress at work; however, my body just keeps betraying me. **Just a heads up that some of this may be TMI.** My mind has been trying to calm the rest of me, but it isn't working. I am really having a hard time this month about baby stuff. Not only did all of my ovulation tests come up negative this month, I am now not getting a period at all. This is NOT helping with my choice to try not to be stressed out. I am grinding my teeth, biting holes in my cheeks, getting frequent stomach aches, headaches, and generally feeling worn down. I feel like I may cry at the drop of a hat on a regular basis and I have been trying to make myself work out to...

Over the past 6 days, I have celebrated my parents 38th wedding anniversary, my 32nd birthday, taught 2 art lessons, camped in St. Mary's County, and thoroughly enjoyed existing. I read an interesting article today about addiction being a "choice," not a "disease." This may not seem to relate to anything I just said, but it got me thinking a lot about my anxiety and depression and how "choice" fits into so many categories of life. While I have to disagree that addiction is a choice, I do believe that we all make choices daily that affect the way our brain processes things. The more habitual the choices become, the harder it is to get out of your own way and change the choice that isn't working in your favor. I find that I get very caught up in my own negative web of thinking. I do have a predisposition to depression and anxiety. Bipolar disorder and manic depression have affected many of my family members and continue to do so today; however, the...

I have been having a rough week. I have chosen not to post for a few days because I needed to not flood the internet with negativity. I am still trying to get into a positive mindset and have been searching for a counselor. I don't think I am being successful at making it work on my own. I started off this morning with a fun stomach bug, but I was feeling a little better when I finally got out of bed at 8am so I met my grandparents for breakfast. It is always nice to spend time with them. I am blessed to live close enough to them that they've been an integral part of my life since I was little. Grandpa always has a little comic or article or something he has saved for me when I see him. It always makes me feel better to see them and know that they've been thinking about me. I hate that I don't get to spend more time with them, but I do treasure our Saturday morning breakfasts when I get to go. After that, I was supposed to have an art lesson. I had contacted the par...

I'm going to be 100% honest, I don't have a lot of good to say today. I had a really tough day and I am struggling with understanding how to make myself happy in the moment. Instead of turning this into a bitch-fest (which generally I would), I am going to focus on things that I am thankful for today. 1. I am thankful that I have a job that provides a paycheck with which I can pay my house, car, and other monthly bill payments. 2. I am thankful for a thoughtful husband who leaves me cards on the bathroom sink "just because" he knows I need some extra encouragement. 3. I am thankful that I have friends and coworkers who make me feel less alone in my daily struggles. 4. I am thankful for my planning period during the day. 5. I am thankful for my dog and cats who are always happy to see me no matter what. I think that's about all I can muster today. I didn't do much of anything for myself except buy a slice of chocolate cake at the grocery store on my way...

I just read an excellent quote on Pinterest. It says "The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind." I have no idea who said this, but I feel like this sums up my life. I am in a constant internal struggle about what fulfills me as a person and what my mind thinks I should do. Career wise, I am having a tough time right now. I love working with kids and teaching art. I just absolutely hate all of the hoops that I constantly have to jump through. During our advisory period today, I was able to sit and work with a small group of 5 students while they caught up on painting. It is so nice to just have conversations with my students and get to know them a little better. It's also nice to be able to answer their questions without being pulled in a million different directions. (It's a lot harder to do it in a class of almost 30 students, many of whom have multiple accommodations, which is normally the case.) THOSE are the moments ...

This morning I was able to sleep in. Even the animals didn't wake up until about 7am and they actually woke Ben up instead of me! They must know it's my month. :-) I finally got out of bed around 9 and decided to make breakfast for my awesome husband. We watched "Cutthroat Kitchen" the other night and they were tasked with making a German Apple Pancake. I had never heard of this, but it didn't look hard so I figured I would attempt it this morning. We currently have an abundance of apples, so it seemed logical. It was fairly easy and it turned out pretty good. I think I will chunk the apples instead of slicing them next time though. Prior to choosing to attend Frostburg State University and getting a teaching degree, I wanted to be a chef and go to cooking school. Part of me regrets not taking that path. I know that my schedule is generally much better than it would be had I gone into the restaurant business, but I have always loved cooking. I get it from my Dad...

Today, I started off with power yoga at 8am. I wish it was possible for me to do this practice every day. It gives me time to focus on my body and not get caught up in a bunch of yucky thoughts. Also, my Mom comes and it gives us time to catch up, AND our instructor plays Led Zeppelin, Motley Crue, and Stevie Ray Vaughan so that helps a whole lot too. Yoga really does make me happy and I need to force myself to make time for it. I always feel stronger and more relaxed when I do it. After that, I made the trek to Sykesville to celebrate the babies of two of my most favorite sorority sisters. I knew this was going to be tough, but I also really wanted to see them. I was happy that I went and proud of myself for making it through without any tears. I truly am thankful that they have had healthy pregnancies so far and I hope that their beautiful baby boys come when they're supposed to and are easy on their Mamas. I didn't want to make today about me, so I tried to focus on their ...

So, a wise lady in my life...also my yoga instructor...celebrates her birthday for the whole month. I have decided that since this is my birthday month, I am declaring it "Sartober." I am vowing to do at least one thing every day that makes me happy. I think it will keep my mind off of all of the negative stuff that I keep getting caught up in. I am going to try to blog about it each day so that I can truly focus on the positive things in my life. My smart and very encouraging godmother suggested that I do a mindfulness activity this month. I'm not sure that I will be disciplined enough to do that for 30 whole days, but I can definitely spend 30 days trying to be happier and more positive. Anyway, yesterday, I got to have dinner with my in-laws and sit and laugh with my husband. Hanging out with family almost always makes me feel better. I also have to admit that I'm like the Garbage song...I only am happy when it rains. I love thunderstorms and gray days. Fall is m...

I am still struggling with whether or not to post this, but I am having a hard time and I feel like I need to share. (Some may say over share, but whatever.) It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot escape the baby issue. I think perhaps I need to take a Facebook break...I tried to stay off of it for a while and read a magazine. While reading about skin and hair care, pregnancy came up again and again. "In your thirties, whether you've recently been pregnant or are thinking about expanding your family, you will most likely lose some hair." Thanks for bringing me back to the thoughts I was trying to escape In Style! I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling or how to react when others share their good news. This is causing me ridiculous anxiety and guilt. There have been a TON of pregnancy reveals on Facebook lately from my friends and family. I will, selfishly, admit that this is killing me. Every time I see a new one, it feels like a punch in the g...

I hesitated to write this and publish it; however, I started it the other day and saved it (just in case)...and, after editing it again, I feel like it's important to share where I'm at emotionally. This way, just in case someone else is feeling this way too (or struggling in a different way), perhaps it will help them feel less alone. This week, approximately 8 of my Facebook friends announced their pregnancies. (Obviously it was a slow winter/spring!) After my miscarriage this year, I have tried hard to keep things in perspective. However, sometimes I just need to let myself feel sad or angry or frustrated. I'm noticing that the more I keep it in, the harder it is to be accepting of the happy news that my friends share with me. First of all, I miss my friends terribly. It's hard to grow up and not be close to everyone (physically at least). I am longing for the college days when I got to see my friends every day, or at least every week in the summer, and we could ha...

I have had so much on my mind the past two weeks and it has been a while since I wrote anything down. This entry may be a bit all over the place, but that's sort of how my brain feels at the moment. Today is one of those bittersweet days. My heart is feeling a bit heavy because I am seeing so much baby news on Facebook and in my daily life. On one hand, I am incredibly happy for my friends, family, and strangers with growing bellies and expanding families, but on the other hand, my heart is just aching that I'm not in that club yet. I am trying really hard not to dwell on it and keep myself occupied. On Mother's Day, a good friend at church said to me, "Happy Mother's Day Sarah. You are like a Mom to all of our kids." I don't think she realized how much that meant to me. The sermon at church last week really hit home (it was all about how being a Mom didn't necessarily mean biologically and how motherhood is such a diverse topic for so many people)...

I realize that I'm not always posting about the happiest things. That has a lot to do with the way that I work through things in my life. I do better putting (issues) things out into the world and working through them with others. With that being said, I just wanted to devote this post to my blessings...mainly my husband. The past few years have brought a lot of challenges, but I am incredibly happy to have Ben by my side to deal with them. This time last year, I wasn't sure where we would be. I am so proud of him for staying sober and working on healing himself so that we could further our relationship. Although we just lost a baby, I am thankful that we now have more time to just be married and be in love. Recently, we were able to get away for a few days to NC for Spring Break and it was awesome. Sometimes I forget to slow down and enjoy my life. Reality always slaps you in the face after vacation, but it is amazing to be with the one you love and just appreciate each othe...

These past few days have felt a bit like a dream. Everyone kept telling me that things would be a bit difficult after my D&C, but I kept trying to reassure myself that I would be fine. Truth is, it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I feel okay for most of the day, but every now and then I just feel like crying. I'm sure it is because my hormones are a bit wacko right now, but that does not make it much easier. Lots of people are advising me to take this week off, but i feel like the more I sit home and think, the tougher it is. I need some routine back in my world. I have been trying so hard to stay positive and think forward and try to be optimistic. I'm just struggling with it. I am very happy that Spring break is coming up and Ben and I will be able to go to North Carolina for a few days and escape. Anyway, I don't want to be Debbie Downer. I'm just trying to work through all of this. Thanks again for taking the time out to read this.

Well, I'm sure that most of you have seen my Facebook updates about my ordeal yesterday, but I figured I would share a little more information about it. It was a pretty scary, but I feel blessed to have had extremely attentive nurses and an incredibly supportive family there to help me out. I've had mixed emotions about this whole situation for the past week and I'm still feeling pretty confused and up and down about it, but I'm the most puzzled about why stuff like this keeps happening...Anyway, I digress... I got up early yesterday thinking that I would feel like I had some closure after all was said and done. It seemed that a D&C was a pretty routine thing and I would just be in and out. Well, that was not the case. I ended up losing a whole lot of blood during the procedure which caused my blood pressure and my red blood cell count to plummet. They made the decision to give me a blood transfusion. I was starting to feel better after my first unit and my leve...

This song has been on repeat in my head for the past few days. It's not exactly the same context, but I think the message is good. For those of you who didn't read my last blog, I am dealing with a blighted ovum and a miscarriage. You can read the previous post for more info. I had my appointment today to decide what my next steps were going to be. The appointment was tough because I had to wait about an hour to see the Dr. because he was delivering a baby and I sat in the waiting room watching all of these ladies with growing bellies pass through. It was hard, but I feel like God has answered my prayers for acceptance. The serenity prayer has been constantly going through my mind since last Wednesday. Although the past few days have been difficult, I have felt so overwhelmed, humbled, and comforted by all of the responses I got after posting my initial blog about everything. To those of you who shared your personal stories with me about miscarrying, still birth, and the oth...

At first, I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about this, but I think, for me at least, that it is cathartic to share my issues and get input from others on their own personal stories and situations. It just helps me cope. So...here it is. If you are friends with me on Facebook, I'm sure you've seen my somewhat vague posts about feeling a bit down this week. I recently found out that although I was pregnant for the past 9 weeks, I have what is called a "blighted ovum." This means that my body is/was pregnant, but while the sac is developing and growing, there is no embryo inside of it. I was pretty heartbroken to find this out. It is a really tough situation to know that you will miscarry or have to have a procedure done to have the life that you thought was developing taken out of you. That may sound dramatic or strange, but that is just how it feels to me. At first, I felt upset and sad and sorry for myself. (I feel like that's a pretty normal reaction to so...

I am sitting here watching this show...My Big Fat Fabulous Life on TLC. It is absolutely fantastic! I am completely in love with Whitney and her appreciation of her body. She weighs close to 400lbs...although I'm sure she's shrunk some since the show started. I love her passion and her drive and I am in total awe of the love that she has for herself. I have struggled myself, since I was in middle school, with body image. In the past few years it has really escalated because I've put on about 20lbs. The person that I see in pictures vs. the person I think I look like when I look in the mirror just don't match. I could make 5,000 excuses as to why this has happened...stress, lack of consistent exercise, not having the best diet...blah, blah blah. None of that matters. What matters is that I don't want to spend my life hating myself. I punish myself when I don't eat what I should and beat myself up when I don't exercise enough. That is not a way I want to liv...